I love the hippies over at Care 2. They want to save both Darfur and my reproductive rights, and they love puppies and harp seals. I sign a lot of their online petitions, and I’m a fan of the Click 2 Donate site in the sidebar over there. That said, a lot of their online content gives me the deep sighs. I know most e-newsletter articles have to be boiled down to gravy to be “accessible” to everyone—or at least they think they have to be—but if the information is basic, at least it’s accurate. That mostly applies here, and yet something about it ticked me off. And it isn’t even the Feng Shui per se (new band name!); I adopt a lot of cheesy philosophies when they suit me. This is about assuming your audience has never slept before.

Feng Shui for Serenity in the Bedroom

• Don’t keep more than a few books in your bedroom; they are too stimulating.

They lost me, right off the bat. Like most recovering English majors, I have a full bookcase in my bedroom, as well as a full desk and teetering nightstand of books that don’t fit on said bookcase. I never have any trouble sleeping, probably because I’m not reading them while asleep; I fail to see how a book on a shelf in the dark is any more stimulating than, say, a dresser. They could be if the lights are on, in which case: turn the lights off while you’re trying to sleep—something that didn’t even make the list. (Note: if you’re arguing common sense for the omission, just you keep reading.)

• Don’t use lots of yang colors, such as gold or red, in the bedroom. These colors stimulate your energy, resulting in poor sleep.

I thought hot colors make you hungry? I guess I can go with this, since hunger is distracting, but again: lights. Off.

• Remove as much electronic equipment from your bedroom as possible, especially televisions, VCRs, stereos, and computers which emit electromagnetic energy that is detrimental to rest and health.

True. When we moved to the new apartment, I decided I didn’t feel like running cables to the bedroom and gave up my TV. I sleep great and I do more reading at night; score one for present laziness circumventing future laziness. I do have my laptop in my room—as do many twenty-somethings who don’t have room for a study—but I also recommend shutting it down at night (or at least that weird days-long sleep thing Macs do).

• Avoid sleeping in a bedroom situated above a garage, which channels the noxious fumes from the automobiles to the room’s occupants, affecting health.

Um… yes. I’d also worry about chemical fumes, mold, and the occasional raccoon. Do people still live over garages?

• Don’t occupy a bedroom that is in a direct line with a straight road. If a vehicle’s headlights shine at or into a bedroom at night, use the room for exercise, storage, sewing, computer work, play, or other leisure activities instead.

This seems to makes sense, except I have not once been in a house that had a bedroom directly facing a straight road. All those architects must have, like, graduated. I’ll add the more helpful ‘don’t place your bed under the eastern window in summertime, lest the rising sun and closed bedroom door turn you into a Hot Pocket.’

• Keep your bedroom free of clutter and minimize the amount of furniture so that chi (life energy) can flow easily throughout the room.

I don’t know from chi, but I know I’m much more serene when I’m not banging my knees on pointy shit on my way to the bathroom. I am pro-minimalism, though; I don’t get it when people have poofy chairs and couches in their bedrooms (or bathrooms; seriously, you don’t need a couch in there).

• Don’t have any water features, such as fountains or aquariums, in your bedroom, where they are considered unlucky and can lead to loss of wealth.

Aquariums are unlucky? Um, okay. They also have the potential to drip and burble and generally keep you up at night. I kind of love how they embrace the hokum even when common sense is a viable option; it’s like avoiding lead paint because it attracts tigers.

• Don’t place the head of your bed against the wall shared with a bathroom.

Now they’re on to me; they don’t even tell you why. I would say it’s because the plumbing makes noise, the toilet runs, and midnight flushers will rouse you from a perfectly good dream. Their reasons are probably more along the lines of meddlesome genies or bad toidy vibes seeping through the wall to knot your chakra. Between this and the sun and road-window clauses, it’s pretty unsafe to even have a bed. Which is fine, because there’s no restful spot to put it.

• Choose bedding and linens in solid colors. If they have patterns, avoid geometric, angular designs that emanate negative energy and disturb your rest.

Unless, of course, you sleep with your eyes closed. Then you’re good.


edithm said…
Awesome. They should have let YOU write the article - it would have been way more fun AND more sensible.
Sarah Beedoo said…
Aw, thank you. I hope I didn't come off as too much of a hippie-hater. For the sake of disclosure, I do yoga, which actually does help me sleep.

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