As Seen on TV

Sarah: The more they play this commercial, the more I object to it.

AJ: Because they’re anthropomorphizing giraffes?

Sarah: No, because giraffes can’t talk.

Libby: Well, obviously—

Sarah: No, I mean they don’t have voices at all, not they don’t speak English.

Libby: They also don’t get married or eat cough drops.

Sarah: But given time and evolution, they might—but they still couldn’t talk.

AJ: I think they just went with ‘long necks, long throats, cough drops.’

Sarah: Right, and that’s stupid. Do your research, ad monkeys.

AJ: I think it’s funny that that’s where your problem lies. Giraffe colds, yes. Marriages, sure. Speaking? No.

Sarah: If you need to suspend my belief, fine. Don’t go bending natural law.

Libby: Which brings us nicely to this ridiculous piece of crap.

AJ: What is it?

Sarah: It’s a flameless fireplace. Made by the Amish.

Libby: So, an electric fireplace made by people who don’t use electricity.

Sarah: Right. Like a lingerie line made by nuns.

AJ: Oh my God—it’s a portable fireplace?

Sarah: Amish craftsmanship combined with American tackiness.

AJ: This is the most ridic--it’s on wheels!?

Sarah: I love how they load them on the back of a horsecart, like that Amish guy is delivering them door to door.

Libby: “I’m selling these fine semi-Amish fireplaces…”

AJ: The ‘Amish’ part is, what, the box?

Libby: Basically. But it’s a really nice box.

AJ: I feel bad that the Amish are associated with this.

Sarah: I think we can assume they volunteered.

AJ: (sings) “A mighty fortress is our God… and our flameless fireplaaaces!”

Sarah: HA! Seriously, who would buy that?

Libby: Paranoid grandmothers. And Dad.

Sarah: And they watch BBC America?

Libby: Apparently. They also show ads for the spy-whisper earpiece.

Sarah: Oh, the one that looks like a Bluetooth where they basically encourage you to use it for spying. And Bingo.

Libby: I wonder what kind of people BBC America thinks are watching.

AJ: The deaf, cold and infirm?

Sarah: Well, they’ve got two outta three in your case.

AJ: “A mighty fortress is my flameless portable rolling fireplaaace!”

Sarah: Aaaand there’s the deafness.

Libby: Can I interest you in a Bluetooth Busybody?

Sarah: Can’t. I’m under my Snuggie in front of my Amish un-fireplace and don’t want to get up.