As Seen on TV
Sarah: The more they play this commercial, the more I object to it.
AJ: Because they’re anthropomorphizing giraffes?
Sarah: No, because giraffes can’t talk.
Libby: Well, obviously—
Sarah: No, I mean they don’t have voices at all, not they don’t speak English.
Libby: They also don’t get married or eat cough drops.
Sarah: But given time and evolution, they might—but they still couldn’t talk.
AJ: I think they just went with ‘long necks, long throats, cough drops.’
Sarah: Right, and that’s stupid. Do your research, ad monkeys.
AJ: I think it’s funny that that’s where your problem lies. Giraffe colds, yes. Marriages, sure. Speaking? No.
Sarah: If you need to suspend my belief, fine. Don’t go bending natural law.
Libby: Which brings us nicely to this ridiculous piece of crap.
AJ: What is it?
Sarah: It’s a flameless fireplace. Made by the Amish.
Libby: So, an electric fireplace made by people who don’t use electricity.
Sarah: Right. Like a lingerie line made by nuns.
AJ: Oh my God—it’s a portable fireplace?
Sarah: Amish craftsmanship combined with American tackiness.
AJ: This is the most ridic--it’s on wheels!?
Sarah: I love how they load them on the back of a horsecart, like that Amish guy is delivering them door to door.
Libby: “I’m selling these fine semi-Amish fireplaces…”
AJ: The ‘Amish’ part is, what, the box?
Libby: Basically. But it’s a really nice box.
AJ: I feel bad that the Amish are associated with this.
Sarah: I think we can assume they volunteered.
AJ: (sings) “A mighty fortress is our God… and our flameless fireplaaaces!”
Sarah: HA! Seriously, who would buy that?
Libby: Paranoid grandmothers. And Dad.
Sarah: And they watch BBC America?
Libby: Apparently. They also show ads for the spy-whisper earpiece.
Sarah: Oh, the one that looks like a Bluetooth where they basically encourage you to use it for spying. And Bingo.
Libby: I wonder what kind of people BBC America thinks are watching.
AJ: The deaf, cold and infirm?
Sarah: Well, they’ve got two outta three in your case.
AJ: “A mighty fortress is my flameless portable rolling fireplaaace!”
Sarah: Aaaand there’s the deafness.
Libby: Can I interest you in a Bluetooth Busybody?
Sarah: Can’t. I’m under my Snuggie in front of my Amish un-fireplace and don’t want to get up.
AJ: Because they’re anthropomorphizing giraffes?
Sarah: No, because giraffes can’t talk.
Libby: Well, obviously—
Sarah: No, I mean they don’t have voices at all, not they don’t speak English.
Libby: They also don’t get married or eat cough drops.
Sarah: But given time and evolution, they might—but they still couldn’t talk.
AJ: I think they just went with ‘long necks, long throats, cough drops.’
Sarah: Right, and that’s stupid. Do your research, ad monkeys.
AJ: I think it’s funny that that’s where your problem lies. Giraffe colds, yes. Marriages, sure. Speaking? No.
Sarah: If you need to suspend my belief, fine. Don’t go bending natural law.
Libby: Which brings us nicely to this ridiculous piece of crap.
AJ: What is it?
Sarah: It’s a flameless fireplace. Made by the Amish.
Libby: So, an electric fireplace made by people who don’t use electricity.
Sarah: Right. Like a lingerie line made by nuns.
AJ: Oh my God—it’s a portable fireplace?
Sarah: Amish craftsmanship combined with American tackiness.
AJ: This is the most ridic--it’s on wheels!?
Sarah: I love how they load them on the back of a horsecart, like that Amish guy is delivering them door to door.
Libby: “I’m selling these fine semi-Amish fireplaces…”
AJ: The ‘Amish’ part is, what, the box?
Libby: Basically. But it’s a really nice box.
AJ: I feel bad that the Amish are associated with this.
Sarah: I think we can assume they volunteered.
AJ: (sings) “A mighty fortress is our God… and our flameless fireplaaaces!”
Sarah: HA! Seriously, who would buy that?
Libby: Paranoid grandmothers. And Dad.
Sarah: And they watch BBC America?
Libby: Apparently. They also show ads for the spy-whisper earpiece.
Sarah: Oh, the one that looks like a Bluetooth where they basically encourage you to use it for spying. And Bingo.
Libby: I wonder what kind of people BBC America thinks are watching.
AJ: The deaf, cold and infirm?
Sarah: Well, they’ve got two outta three in your case.
AJ: “A mighty fortress is my flameless portable rolling fireplaaace!”
Sarah: Aaaand there’s the deafness.
Libby: Can I interest you in a Bluetooth Busybody?
Sarah: Can’t. I’m under my Snuggie in front of my Amish un-fireplace and don’t want to get up.
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