Behold the Behind

I shudder to think what this death cold might have been if I hadn’t gotten a flu shot. Three sick days, a weekend and a full season of The Big Bang Theory and I only feel marginally better. I suppose I could have only taken two days off, but I’ve given up feeling guilty about taking sick time (I’m one of the lucky few who can get paid to lie on her couch). I could stay home, or force myself to sit at my desk while punching at the monkey in my lung; either way, I’m not really getting any work done.

I’m choosing to be well now, more than anything, because 1) I only have two pairs of pajamas and they’re both sick-dirty, 2) the new job requires attendance at least thrice a week, 3) I was in danger of physically growing to my couch and 4) daytime TV has such nauseating Christmas commercials that I can’t even write a Christmas post. So let’s talk about something long overdue and well worth talking about: the cruise. More specifically, the golden bikini update I promised and never delivered. After posts and posts and much exasperation, I have found the garment that will support my trek through the Caribbean.

J. Crew striped seersucker bikini, $95

Pictured: not me
I opted for the kelly green, and had to roll the dice on the sizing (tops are in numbered sizes, bottoms in S M & L). It was pricey, but if a Benjamin keeps everything in its place for years to come, then I consider it an investment. The seersucker fabric allows for a bit of traction, handy for avoiding both sarong slippage and sliding off one’s chair. The bottoms stretch nicely and the ruching along the bra top gives me a pin-up quality I have sought after since my days as a size 16. First rule of fashion: if you feel sexy, buy it.

It’s not without its problems: the top is just a bit too tight for my massive rib cage, causing The Ladies just the slightest bit of surface-tension bobbling. Since the cups only came in demi and the size 12 was far too large, I was stuck with adjusting the 10—slightly difficult when there are no slide-buckles on the straps. Ditto the closure; you have one hook and one eye. Now, J Crew knew me pretty well, but not that well, and nothing’s more variable than a Midwestern girl in midwinter. This is shortsighted, Mr. Crew. Please fix.

The bottoms, however, were mighty innovative in their design. I had thought that the pinstripes and slight poof of the fabric might alleviate my bum debacle by giving it some heft. I was wrong, but not disappointed. The side gathering on the hips actually minimize that area—which is no small achievement—and while my ass still looks exactly like it does on the package, the bikini fits in a way that makes the bone-to-muscle ratio more appealing. I’ve still got Barbie on top and Skipper in the back, but it looks… natural, somehow. I hesitate to say slimming, shaping is more accurate; if Rubens made chunky A-cups look attractive, this bikini does the same for the inverse demographic. There’s a science, nay, a magic at work in there, but I’m satisfied to leave it a mystery because my top shelf is perky yet comfortable and I won't be sliding off my deck chair.

Rating: A (would have been A+ with strap sliders)

Note: This suit is now on clearance for $10. The only sizes left are either petite or a luscious size 12, so snatch it up!


crdrue said…
that really put me in the Christmas spirit.

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