July 02, 2008

Wanted: One (1) Liar

Must be proficient in the art of equivocations, falsehoods, and lies of every spectrum from white to deepest maroon. Must convince Lie-ee that everything he/she says is nothing short of undeniable fact. Said belief must be achieved not only through words, but tone, gestures and/or facial expression for maximum bamboozlement.

Note that the Lie-ee submits to willful hoodwinkery during the term described, and understands expiration of spurious kindnesses and is not under contract to hold Liar to any expired dupes outside the term of contract.

Position may include, but is not limited to, spontaneous repetition of the following anti-truths:

“Oh Sarah, you can totally handle marathon training this week. Running will alleviate stress, and that’ll help you sleep. Also, you feel like shit when you’re just sitting around all swollen-eyed, so running’s the best thing for you. Also, at the end of every run, there’s a box of banana Twinkies. With hot fudge!”

“It doesn’t matter that you haven’t started packing yet. You can totally get everything you’ve ever owned securely taped into boxes in a single weekend.”

“You’re not killing your dog. Cancer is killing your dog.
You are kicking cancer in the slats by giving your dog some dignity. Everybody dies, but not everyone is lucky enough to choose how—and choosing to pull that pin is like Thelma and Louise driving over the cliff: a big fat middle-finger to the disease we’re taking down with us.”

“Of course you haven’t got a cold. That sore throat you’ve had, the one that’s made it extremely painful / impossible for you to speak? Allergies. You’ll be totally over it before the move.”

“Telling one more person you’re “fine” will cause your head to spontaneously combust.”

“Sarah, if someone tries to sympathize by telling you a little story about their pet, or offers you an unwanted opinion of any kind, you may punch them dead in the face. This is completely legal.”

“No, you are
not ovulating this week, because Jesus sees the scales of your life and knows that this will be the pebble that kills you.”

“I know that your life’s fallen to shit, but can I just say: you look amazing.”

“Others might think your pathetic gallows humor is painfully unfunny, but it’s really comedy gold.”

Lease term: immediately, 2008 to when Sarah can lift her arms again, 2008

References not required. Apply below.


a. said...

I never lie. Do I qualify?

By the way, in the words of The Kinks, "Here's wishing you the bluest sky, and hoping something better comes tomorrow. "

crdrue said...

Not good for a moving week! Poor Beedoo :(

Dann Rafferty said...

well shit.

I'll never bring up Conky again, I s'pose.

I guess it didn't help much.

I don't really have the time to say all I want to in this comment, but I'm sorry all the same.

...I'm not very good at this.

Joy said...

I'd like to point out that in addition to my top-notch lying skills, I can also decorate AND bust a mean groove.

THA-RILLLAAAHHH!!!! (ooh-hoo!)

Sarah Beedoo said...

Thanks you guys; I appreciate it. And since my dog is currently feasting on stolen chicken, I'll need it when the actual Day comes. Right now, she seems to think cancer is no big, which I'm totally fine with.

@Dann: It's people telling me how I should euthanize Molly this second that are at risk of a throat-ectomy, not you. I get it. And on the Day, I'll set my Guinness next to your pink drink and cry.

@Joy: You can scare me more than any ghoul could ever dare try. (moonwalks)