April 25, 2008

Bikini: a Toll (on my Self-Esteem)

The general audience for bikini shoppers, according to retailers, is thus:
1) B (or less) -sized boobies, that
2) naturally hold their own perky shape, and which
3) are younger than the age of 22, and also
4) of a texture that has not seen substantial weight loss.

The visual representation, via Venn diagram:

This may be the first Other Shoe running feature: Sarah’s Bikini Quest (dot com).

Victoria’s Secret: Fairly hilarious that a place that makes bras would have no idea how to hold a woman’s lumpy bits in a swimsuit at all, much less hold them attractively. It was here, in this pink dressing room, I outlawed both the “sliding halter” (“sliding” refers to “your left one, widdershins to the armpit, if you so much as breathe”) and “back tie” styles (because if there is no stringent brace holding you in, not even Jesus can lift you up).

JC Penney: The erstwhile sure bet on the bathing suit front has, this year, proved completely without fruit. Which I yelled, in store, at the rack of bitty stringy suits on sale (SALE!) before me. Do parents allow their 12-year-olds to wear bikinis? And do they go to jail? There were exactly two underwire tops, exactly two were flaming ugly, no less than two were 38DD. Apparently if you fall anywhere in the size spectrum between Chloe Sevigny and Salma Hayek you need to call your congressman, because you are not represented.

I did not anticipate the top half of this suit causing the difficulty; I rather thought fitting the bottoms on my tube-sock-stuffed-with-warm-mashed-potato midsection would be far trickier that putting on, essentially, a bra. A bra in 36C, that universal, middle, average size. If the anchor stores are to be believed, those 'average' ta-tas will fit snugly and attractively behind a nipple-dickie with shoestring ties thumbing its nose at gravity and physics alike.

In case I am unclear: I am a WOMAN, dammit! A woman with breasts—breasts which have voted in two elections and survived the whittling an 18-plus figure! No, they are not taut; they have a shape and texture akin to rising pizza dough, like every other natural breast in Christendom. This is not something I aim to be ashamed of, particularly since they take very well to a variety of molds. What I’m saying is: please offer me a variety of molds. Two plaid triangles on a shoelace is not a mold, it’s a joke, and not even a good one.

Also, I am still sans-hoodie and keychain. Tonight we stalk Old Navy; hopes are not high, and only one item therein (a jacket) has ever fit me, but as this will likely come together on a random “whodathunkit” location… my swimwear may come from Value World, is what I’m sayin’.


Jess said...

I usually have good luck with Land's End suits. I find their fit to be pretty consistant, you can mix and match almost all of their tops and bottoms for size AND pattern, and they have a wide variety of underwired tops. They also have a lot of one-piece suits and tankinis with underwire, which is the biggest reason I'm such a fan. They are slightly pricey, but I think worth it. I order online, but they also have a limited selection at Sears.

And no, they are not paying me for that ad.

Joy said...

Laugh-out-loud funny - and good god, is it the truth. This is why I avoid bikinis. Time is not your boobies' friend.

You need to send this article to some women's magazines, STAT.

mamaclsn said...

Land's End is absolutely the way. You will pay close to $100, but it will last for 10+ years, and will fit very well.