April 23, 2008

Alright, So

Yes, I realize that’s an improper construction. You learn the rules so you can break ‘em.

I would like to dedicate this post to one Action Jackie, who has taken it upon herself to be my personal life coach for the last few days when I’ve been feeling a bit down. To wit: telling me that I am a good person with many prospects ahead of me, and it’s important not to let the crippling depression get on top of me lest I explode from stress. I took her advice and had a long, cathartic exhale last night, got my priorities in order and am forming a plan. A very famous plan. As I let the Jackieness sink in like a seaweed mask, I would just like to tell her how much I appreciate her input, her giant hair, and having her in my life in general. I cannot wait until she returns to me and I have The Sicilian Opinion in da house for all time. Soapy boobies, Jackie.

As part of my mental recuperation, I have taken the day off tomorrow for a little R&R: retail and retaliation (coincidentally the title of Jane Austen’s final, unreleased manuscript). I have a small shopping list that would be hell to tackle on the weekend, because it involves a mall and clothes-trying-on; The Sooz has mandated that we are going on a cruise, and a bijillion dollars later, we are all signed up. The event is not until January, but the excitement is at a fever pitch around the house, with the planning and the shore excursions and the sweet, sunny beach. Which brings me to the first R.

I am buying—or I should say, I am seeking, in the market for—a bikini. A bathing suit with two pieces, with a bare, six-inch expanse of stomach between them. Now, as I’m sure I’ve mentioned, I used to be a fat girl (I can say ‘fat girl’ because I was one, and sixty pounds later I still slate myself in that category because it’s a hard thing to slough off). After a few years of running, bones were beginning to poke like early crocus and I was many sizes smaller than I had been in high school—but with the loss of bulk, I looked like skin draped on a wire dress form. After much protesting, I began weight lifting, which I hated. Now I merely don’t like it, but I can see the effects and I like them plenty.

Which brings me to the bikini. I have only worn one in public once, last year on the beach with my good friend Norah, and only then because there were others there more in need of a one-piece than I. It was liberating and wonderful and since it hadn’t seen a UV ray since I was seven, my pale fishbelly turned the color of cooked crab. This year, I arm myself with SPF 50 and a willingness to spend more than $30 on a two-piece if it flatters my smaller-yet-doughy figure. First stop: Victoria’s Secret. Second stop: tissues, Midol, city hall. Third: JC Penney. Watch this space for my shopping dividends.

While there, I hope to pick up a smaller keychain for the summer, as my awesome skull keychain is a bit bulky for my jacket’s wee pockets. (I gave the former small keychain to my sister Jen, who is currently enjoying the company of my baby sister and a half-pound bag of Christmas blend that I managed to squirrel away until I could spring it on her as a lovely surprise, and with which she is too enraptured to, like, tell me she got it.) As keychains are something you generally amass rather than set out to acquire, I have no idea what to get. Something about running? Books? Politics? Environmental? A lowbrow witticism? Oooh—do they make one with Venn diagrams? We’ll see.

The retaliation? I think I’ll call a certain teacher friend who whined that his entire week off was just a little too sunny and ask him if his refrigerator’s running.


Anonymous said...

Ha! I Googled "venn diagram keychain" to see if such a thing existed and lo and behold! The Other Shoe came up in the search. It made me giggle. :o)

Anonymous said...

Aw, shucks Sarah, you're making me and my giant hair blush. It's nothing you wouldn't do for me.

btw, it's not cold here in your shadow.

Soapy Boobies,
Action Jackie

crdrue said...

Someone should blog to explicate the mystery behind Jackie's suggestive nicknames. Otherwise they're left to our perverse imaginations.

Sarah Beedoo said...

@G: Whoah, meta.

@AJ: Retuuuurn to meeeeee / my Action Jackiiiieeeee / for only weeee / know the value of SATTTT.

@CD: I'd explain, but I'd hate to hamstring those 'imaginations' you've got going. Oh, all right: one day, when Jackie and I were showering together...(bamp chicka-wa wa)