March 17, 2008

One Woman's Week, Another Woman's Woe

A conversation between BEEDOO and ANONYMOUS FRIEND OF BEEDOO'S THAT YOU DON'T KNOW, AT ALL, SO STOP GUESSING ALREADY

BEEDOO: Woot! Cruise!

AFYDK: Woot! I know!

BEEDOO: You have your passport, right?

AFYDK: Yeah, but I look really young, because it expires like next year.

BEEDOO: I’m amazed they took a passport photo of a zygote.

AFYDK: Yeah, I seriously look ten.

BEEDOO: You probably look the exact same.

AFYDK: I do not.

BEEDOO: Whatever, I’ll tell them you’re under my supervision. My badly-cut-banged, super-fat-faced supervision.

AFYDK: You have bangs?

BEEDOO: Dyed a shade too red, in a yellow collared shirt, and unfortunately I smiled.

AFYDK: See, they wouldn’t let me smile.

BEEDOO: You didn’t have motor skills yet, [AFYDK].

AFYDK: Shut up, yes I did. Anyway, we only have to show them at the airport and then hide them for a week.

BEEDOO: Seriously, I’m not getting any kind of action if a man sees that.

AFYDK: Aww yeah, drunken cruise hookups!

BEEDOO: Um, what?

AFYDK: I said, “Aww yeah—“

BEEDOO: No I heard, but… for real? I was kind of kidding.

AFYDK: We’re on vacation! In the Caribbean! We can always alternate room time.

BEEDOO: It’s all yours; I’m not game for a tropical disease.

AFYDK: They’re called condoms, Sarah. They generally prevent that.

BEEDOO: Yeah, “generally” is pretty heavily stressed in the commercials. And anyway, we’d end up running into said hookups on the boat constantly and that would make the trip weird. Unless you’re a sailor looking for native boys—

AFYDK: EW!

BEEDOO: I’m thinking boat sex is out, then. Because I’m not sleeping on deck while you fill our cabin with the VD equivalent of West Nile.

AFYDK: I don’t think you appreciate the situation, Sarah. A week, on a boat. In the sun, in bikinis, on the beach, with hot men. And drinks.

BEEDOO: And pirates. And rum.

AFYDK: For a week. That’s kind of a long time.

BEEDOO: You know, you can take some alone time, if you need it. I am not opposed.

AFYDK: I will definitely need alone time if I’m drinking for a week.

BEEDOO: And she’s single, gentlemen!

AFYDK: I know, right? I’m just thinking which…

BEEDOO: Days? You need an itinerary?

AFYDK: No, I am wondering what… stuff to bring. For the trip. For my special alone time.

BEEDOO: You seriously cannot be without that thing, can you.

AFYDK: You have one too, Sarah. You aren’t bringing yours?

BEEDOO: On the cruise? It’s only a week! Maybe if we were gone a month.

AFYDK: See, I think I just have a healthier sex drive than most—

BEEDOO: There are programs for people who do it less than you. And I mean, I wouldn’t get to the equipment point for a month; a week I can wing it.

AFYDK: Um.

BEEDOO: I mean I can perform sans tools; it’s not like I improvise with the nearest—

AFYDK: OOOKay, I get it, you’re normal and healthy and don’t scare me at all, but I’m still packin’.

BEEDOO: Well now I’m all worried that I should. Better to have it and not need it, etc.

AFYDK: Oh I’ll need it.

BEEDOO: Yes, we have established. Although… would you put it in your carry-on, or checked luggage?

AFYDK: Huh. [pause] Checked?

BEEDOO: But what if it gets stolen?

AFYDK: Who would steal someone else’s personal toys, Sarah?

BEEDOO: My jewelry got stolen once.

AFYDK: Your jewelry hasn’t seen the inside of your special place. That I know of.

BEEDOO: It has NOT, and I’m just saying, better safe than… sans.

AFYDK: They have to x-ray it if I take it on the plane, and they’re going to think I have a disembodied unit in my bag.

BEEDOO: That’s the least of what they’ll be thinking, namely: “It’s a four-hour flight, damn.”

AFYDK: Or they’ll want to take it out and inspect it—I don't know if I could live after that.

BEEDOO: Especially if you get that wall-mounted one, they’ll be checking that thing for C4.

AFYDK: Right. Checked luggage it is.

BEEDOO: While we're on the subject, I’d like to make a rule here and now, a little “She’s probably totally asleep right now” rule—

AFYDK: Oh GOD totally. Solitary occupancy rule passed.

BEEDOO: Just give me a little heads-up, like, “I need to go brush my teeth,” wink wink.

AFYDK: Right. Although I brush my teeth, like, everyday, just so you know.

BEEDOO: Seriously, there are meetings.

AFYDK: Shut up. You just can’t handle me.

BEEDOO: I seriously can’t.

2 comments:

crdrue said...

Wall mounted? How the hell does that work?

Sarah Beedoo said...

Chris Drue, of all the people I expected to comment on this post, you would be dead last. Or maybe you were terrified of man's molded plastic competition. Either way, well done.

It plugs into a wall outlet, no batteries.