March 05, 2008

Living Room Convo: The Osmonds 50th Anniversary Special

ME: Oh, Marie.

SOOZ: This is her Broadway tribute thing she does now.

ME: Is that her “British” accent? Who’s her dialect coach, Keanu?

SOOZ: It’s not Julie Andrews. Maybe Julio Andrews…

ME: I was going to say, what’s with the trills? And the hoopskirt?

SOOZ: It’s from The King and I.

ME: Siam equals “too damn much eyeliner?”

SOOZ: No, Marie equals “too damn much eyeliner.” And foundation. And the wrong lipstick.

ME: Don’t blame Julio; he’s working against years of cosmeceutical abuse.

SOOZ: Come on Marie, I want top hear Soldier of Love before midnight.

ME: Hee! “Sacred Emotion! SACRED EMOTION! Woo! Donny, over here!”

SOOZ: Do we need to talk about a certain someone who saw Neil Diamond live?

ME: We do not. And anyway, you and I both saw Donny in Joseph, so I think we both do our chin-ups on the lame bar.

SOOZ: He looked good in that. Even in a loincloth.

ME: I am not ashamed to agree. The gym agreed with Donny.

SOOZ: Oh, dear.

ME: I said the gym agreed with you, Donny. Damn, how long ago was that?

SOOZ: Like ten years?

ME: No. No?

SOOZ: Yep.

ME: Donny, for the love of molasses: if you’re not going to work out, eschew the tight black tee.

SOOZ: And the tight black pants.

ME: His ass is so sad right now. And claustrophobic.

SOOZ: Well, they can’t smoke or drink. Food’s pretty much the only thing left.

ME: And copulating like smack-addicted rabbits.

SOOZ: There’s no sin in bacon.

ME: That should be the Mormon tagline. Actually, all the food and sex you want, Mormonism doesn’t sound too bad.

SOOZ: Donny has nine children. And a grandbaby.

ME: Granted, man-Mormons make out better than she-Mormons.

SOOZ: Speaking of she-Mormon… I think that’s the given name of that skirt.

ME: Seriously, are these outfits like a joke? Like a “dollmaker” thing? It looks like she’s crapping a tapestry.

SOOZ: She must have put on a little since Dancing with the Stars. What is that thing on the skirt, a napkin?

ME: Maybe she was rushed onstage before she finished eating Augustus Gloop.

SOOZ: There’s a... heart on it.

ME: Again, ‘hearts’ mean ‘Austria?’ Why not a beer stein, or a pretzel?

SOOZ: Because they’re German, and Mormons don’t drink.

ME: Edelweiss? Ahnold? They’d fit on the skirt.

SOOZ: The Alps would fit on the skirt. Fair play, though, she can hit those notes.

ME: Hey, it’s (mumbles) Osmond and (mumbles) Osmond and…

SOOZ: Alan, Wayne, Merrill, Jay, Jimmy, Virl and Tommy.

ME: …

SOOZ: And I’m going to sing, you do know that.

ME: …

SOOZ: Neil Diamond.

ME: Conceded. The oldest looks like Conway Twitty. Or Kenny Rogers.

SOOZ: Or what Donny’s going to look like in ten years.

ME: It’s a little unnerving that they all have the same face. Well, except Marie.

SOOZ: She did have the same face—

ME: Oh, right. HA! She called Donny David Cassidy.

SOOZ: Oooh snap, Donny!

ME: I really do love Donny and Marie together. I can’t tell if it’s scripted or spontaneous—and by extension, if they love or they hate each other. Marie’s got it right, though; I feel bed for the rest of the family—it’s like a string section of second fiddles.

SOOZ: Don’t feel too bad; they own Utah.

ME: If I had to own a state, Utah would not be my first choice.

SOOZ: Probably why nobody calls them on it.

ME: That and the state militia all have the same creepy dollface. “Osmandia the Beautiful.”

SOOZ: Kinda like Dollywood for the Latter-Day Saints.

ME: I see it like a haunted carnival; with clone wax figures of varying ages. Varying undead ages.

SOOZ: “He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Fifty-Seventh Cloned Zombie Brother.”

ME: I’m never going to Utah—that shit is like The Hills Have Eyes.

SOOZ: Creepy, Earnest Bug-Eyes.

ME: Yeeesh.

1 comment:

Dann Rafferty said...

2 words:

Hil-fucking-arious.