Pre-Wedding Weekend: A Checklist

- Get haircut. Must look flippy, young, and supercute.

- Highlights: same.

- Buy three different bras for the event; spend three hours stitching them into Frankensupport.

- Buy light blue toenail polish to match dress.

- Contemplate toe rings. Decide they only make one’s freakish toes look longer.

- Work on speech for the ceremony.

- Call groom; offer bitchin’ rendition of Whatta Man in lieu of writing something from the heart.

- Sulk back to keyboard.

- Write several drafts. Discard.

- Print final attempt, burn. Watch TV.

- Wash bike and apply politic bumper-stickers. Wonder if theft odds have gone up or down.

- Figure out what the hell iTunes is all about.

- Wonder what I’ve gotten myself into.

- Decide fuck it, re: toe rings. Buy two-inch spiral with blue zircons for extra-scary middle toe, because, really, go big or go home.

- Jam to Dancin’ with Myself in tank top and bike shorts. Feel cool.

- Pull neck muscle.

- Go for bike ride in nature park with mother. Ignore likelihood of careering, shredding, and bleeding a week before a highly-photographed event. Live dangerously.


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