June 22, 2007

It's Been So Long

A Visit to the GYN.

GYN: So you’ve been having a little bit of discomfort lately?

ME: No, everything feels fine. It’s just that my pants don’t fit.

GYN: And that’s not—

ME: Weight gain. No, it isn’t. I run 20 miles a week and my pants fit fine, except for every single waistband.

GYN: Hm.

ME: Yeah. So, I figured I should get my lady parts checked out, just to make sure I’m not growing something in there.

GYN: And you’re not—

ME: Pregnant. No, I am not.

GYN: Hm. I see. Well let's just take a

[in one swift movement, the GYN gloves, lubes, and turns me into a human hand puppet]

GYN: look here.

ME: OW.

GYN: Okay, I’m going to need you to relax that muscle.

ME: SURE THING.

GYN: Hm. I don’t feel any swelling…

ME: WELL THAT’S GOOD.

GYN: You have a very small uterus.

ME: YOU DON’T SAY.

GYN: But I don’t feel any masses. Ovaries look good, bowel looks good…

ME: AND MY TONSILS?

GYN: What?

ME: NEVER MIND.

GYN: You’ve never been pregnant?

ME: NO.

GYN: Are you planning on it?

ME: ACTUALLY I’VE JUST MOVED IT BACK FROM ‘NEVER’ TO ‘EVER.’

GYN: Hm. Well, everything seems to be working just fine.

[GYN extracts entire arm from bodily cavity, extracting a tooth on the way out]

ME: WELL THEN I SUPpose the weight is being caused by something else.

GYN: Well, that’s a good thing. Hopefully it’s something in your diet and it’s easily fixable.

ME: The dietician is my next stop.

GYN: I’d make an appointment to see your PCP as well, see if he has any ideas.

ME: I’ll make one tomorrow.

GYN: Good.

ME: Which means I’ll be seeing him in December.

GYN: The problem doesn’t seem to be life-threatening.

ME: No, just annoying.

GYN: Well, it’s nothing you need to worry about from a gynecological perspective.

ME: I am happy about that. So, one down.

GYN: Was there anything else I should look at?

ME: NO.

GYN: You don’t have to yell.

ME: Sorry, no. And thank you.

So, after stretching my hoo-hoo into a Tunnel o’Fun, the GYN assured me I don’t have a tumor, mass, growth, or Son of God 2.0 gestating within me. The nutritionist got some ‘splainin to do.

Of course, that’s after the wedding. Pictures Monday(ish)!

2 comments:

J-Ro said...

lmao, I kind of wish I could unread this, but then I wouldn't have been laughing for the last twenty minutes.

Sarah Beedoo said...

Oh, Jose. Don't fear the lady parts. (and the mystery behind this visit? I'd started eating carbs again. Never buy size 6 pants in 100% cotton. This has been One to Grow On.)