February 26, 2007

The Only Reason I'm Not Fired

Is because I didn’t say these things out loud.

To phone callers...

“well, I don’t know. Call her, then.”
“hang on—I forget which job I’m at”
“hellump?”
“blah blah blah yeah I get it”
“who’s askin?”
“maybe you should have looked at the number before you dialed”
“transfer don’t hit hangup don’t hit hang—shit”
“who, now?”

To a coworker...

“Dude. Duuuude.”
“hell. I’m in hell right now”
“ugghh breath bad uuuggggh…”
“so’s your mom”
“kill ya to do it yourself, would it?”
“I totally heard that”
“snargle?”
“I seethe with power”
“THPTPTHFF!”
“stop talking”

To a visiting professor...

“BEARD!”
“oh, shit—I can’t understand you”
“that’s my rack, chief”
“whuh… huh?”
“talll, soooo tallll…”
“sure, just sit anywhere, then”
“inappropriate, here, you? HERE”
“nice monobrow”
“get bent”

To total strangers...

“wow, makeup”
“do those hurt?”
“well that top was the wrong choice”
“GAH! Face!”
“hottbert ‘hottie’ mchotterson of hotland III”
“the bottled kind isn’t malignant”
“don’t look don’t look don’t look”
“fries? really?”
“sooo pretty, pretty face prettiness”
“skirt! FIERCE!”

To one of the upper management...

“when I’m damn good and ready”
“am I taller than you?”
“you need some loooo-tion”
“am I still standing here?”
“baggy pants, pants are baggy”
“I wonder what I’m saying right now”
“nostril trimmers go bzzzzzzear”
“your head is shiny”
“tch, whiner”

To no one whatsoever.

“whatta man, whatta man, what a mighty… hello?”
“oops… huh, shoes.”
“I’m always here, aren’t I? Always always always.”
“wait, the… no, I did that… wait, huh?”
“drink water rehy… drate. Drate?”
“did I shave that? [checks] nope.”
“if it bled more, I could go home”
“I am invaaaaluable, no value, take off like flight chicken”
“boop boop boop be doop doo!”*

* Mirren and Scorsese owe me twenty winks each.

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