February 12, 2007

Book Me Once, Shame on You

In light of Doppelganger's effervescent awesomeness, because I am an unabashed, foaming bibliophile and because this day would otherwise be post-less, I feel a need to get in on the current list going on at 50 Books: Books a Man Has Given Me That Made Me Swear NEVER to Go on Another Date with Him EVER Again.

I preface by saying that I don't think a man has ever given me a book--unless you count the fourth Harry Potter, which I sent a boyfriend into the store for to avoid the mob--but even then, I paid for the thing. The more I think about it, the mere fact that a man would 1) read, period and 2) appeal to my literary fetish instead of my more easily-satisfied sensibilities (say, a borderline-obsessive realationship with extra-dark Belgian chocolate) is a total panty-peeler in itself. After all, a good book is an evasive commodity, but the right ones bring the greatest happiness. When you unexpectedly find one that you just can’t put down, it becomes more than its own words—it becomes you, and what you lived and what you thought the first time you read it—and it carries those associations for the rest of your life.

It… looks like I’m going home with the book, doesn’t it.
Date what? Boys who?

However, I can think of a few books, good intentions notwithstanding, that would set my delicates securely in place:

Self-Help Books: Kind of says, You’re So Pretty and Tragic, Let Me Fix You. [Folly, not only because I’m fine the way I am, chief, but because we all know the crazies are the best in the sack.]

Religious Diatribes, Overt or Otherwise: If it ain't a well-written allegory a la CS Lewis, it is not my bag. But I don't know why anyone wanting to date me wouldn't be clued into this fact well beforehand; my friends wouldn't be that cruel. To him, I mean.

Novelization / Comic Book Adaptation of a Video Game: Yes, I realize it’s all just six degrees of dork, but I have to draw the line somewhere. I never really went beyond Myst myself, but I have dated enough gamergeeks to confidently state that I don’t care what your Warcraft team o’beasts gets up to in its downtime, what the backstory of Diablo is or that the elves have been at war with Ganon for hundreds of yeeeears—and even less do I want to read about it in paperback. I love comic books, graphic novels, and even a soupcon of fantasy now and again, but if one of the characters has a Konami code for extra life badges I won’t be able to take it seriously.

Your Latest D&D Quest, Rulebook, or Technical Manual: See above.

The Beats: I hate them, probably as a result of a college course, but I'm past rationalizing it because I still enjoy the warmth of the hate. I can’t stand all the tertiaries and poets (especially the wolf girl); I can get down with small doses of Kerouac, but On The Road gives me hives. And do not effing hand me Howl like it's art, or truth, or in any way precious, unless you want I should go into a blank stare that will burn a hole into the opposite wall for the duration of the date, which will not be long. Ditto Naked Lunch.

Any Book That The Giver Himself Has Not Read: Unless it's something I specifically wanted, don't give me anything you haven't tried out on yourself. This message is for you, guy-who's-quick-with- the-flattery-but-expects- a-blowjob-whenever- we’re-in-a- room-alone-together.

Wow, now I feel bad for this ethereal date; poor guy doesn’t have a leg to stand on. OK, the best scenario I can imagine is, on that first date, there is a conversation in which many books and genres are just discussed--then one touched upon that I haven't read is presented on the second date. Shows thoughtfulness, that he was paying attention and therefore may actually be giving a damn about what I say—yet still remains casual. Yes, that is the way I would write it into my movie. And it's not like I'd hit it on the first date anyw--well, maybe for the new Jasper Fforde. Autographed, with a small poem. With a side of Cote d'Or.

I mean, I’m only human.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

I seem to remember someone presenting you with a certain Klingon Dictionary. Oh wait...you stole that. Dirty flirt.

-Farr (atlargenopun)

Beedoo said...

So much for keeping my geekitude on the DL.