Holiday Number One: Eat Your Heart Out

Ahhh, Thanksgiving week. The pre-game of the holiday season: the running around, the harried excitement, the preparation, the anticipation. Collectively known as “the pressure,” it’s all the fun that supposedly oozes from trying to shop with one hand and make travel plans ith the other—and trying to remember what temperature you’re supposed to bake the pie on while reminding yourself for the ninetieth time not to leave any food items on the counter on your way out the door. So, understandably, ‘tis the season… of lists. I cannot do anything productive without first compiling a list, and since the days between me and turkey (turkey and I?) are glaringly few, and with my vacation treading on its poultrine heels, yesterday was spent planning the week, item by item, day by day. Yes, it took a day to make a list of lists. No, I don’t need counseling. Which is good, because I don’t have time for it anyway.

Pick up free panties from Victoria’s Secret I have lamented the Panty Redesign of Aught-Six before, but since they sent me a card for a free pair I decided to give them a chance. Predictably, all they had left was nurse-white, but whatever, free. It took twenty minutes to get through the line. Of four people. On a Monday. So happy I’m not dating anyone; particularly a one who cares for lingerie, because I’d rather stand in line at JoAnn’s for ribbons and lace, design my own naughty line, construct it, wear it, get famous, have hours of dirty whore sex with a man-harem of Dolce models, get pregnant, and then birth an illegitimate child because it would take less time.
Check salon for restock of hair wax Not in yet, so I’ll be sportin’ the Alfalfa for another week. Dammit.
Eat rushed dinner while watching Shark Tale Not because I want to; because there’s nothing else on. Gratefully switch to Charlie Brown’s Thanksgiving at 7:59.
Finish writing out Christmas cards, stamp, address These won’t be mailed until Friday, lest I be a hypocrite.

Work all day
Revise lists
While working, natch.

Use work computer to do online shopping Including a pair of dragon earrings for Sooz that aren’t Chinese, Welsh, rampant or stylized. I understand having a particular fetish—with emphasis on the “particular”—but the number of serpent-y / toothy / glowering / ribbon-candy-tailed sterling silver reptilia that have already been dismissed is getting disheartening. Seriously; one more run through Google images, then she gets a sock puppet.
Gym Because I’m sure I’ll be up for it.
Make pie See above.
De-flour self and kitchen I’m just guessing.
Clean until I wearily fall a-

Put yams in oven
Tae BoHey! Continuity!
Make yams and succotash
Load up car, drive to Mom’s house
Don’t forget food. Or laundry. Or father. Or self.
Eat the world Unghhh…
Surrender to tryptophan coma

Sleep in YES!
Drink tea While weakly rubbing stomach.
Never eat again Oh, if only.
Gym Probably running, probably an insane number of miles
Drive to Mom’s house For hair dyeing, cat bathing, laundry washing, and sundry necessities.
Go to bed earl—
Oh yeah; mail Christmas cards
The bed thing

Work at crack of dawn I love making coffee, I love making coffee, I love…
Yoga I’ll need the stretching about now
Probably shopping Hats, earrings, boxers, whoopee! (Or I could bail. And nap. Or make more scarves…)
Relax with Christmas music, the new Living and Tea-Nog Hells yeah. Why isn’t it this day yet?
Sleep whenever energy runs out

Mom’s birthday brunch Hopefully, I ate only crackers over the weekend
Probably more shopping whimper…
Finalize travel plans Wherein I spend three frenzied hours possessed by my obsessive-compulsive German ancestor, Checklista Von Packinburg
Run seventeen miles in earnest repentance
Sleep until the coroner pokes me

And that’s only leading up to my vacation. I must be strong.


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