November 17, 2006

Gluttony

ME: Is that the Thanksgiving list?

SISTER CHEF: Yes. What are you bringing, again?

ME: You’ve got stuffing on there like, three times.

SC: That’s because there’s three stuffings.

ME: Shwat?

SC: Dad’s, the cornbread one, and Stove Top.

ME: Why are we still making Stove Top?

SC: Mom likes it.

ME: Yeah, but the cornbread one’s vegetarian, isn’t it?

SC: Yes…

ME: I think we can do without the Stove Top; we don’t need three stuffings.

SC: Ask Mom first.

ME: Fine. What else? Potatoes, gravy; you’re doing the turkey, yes?

SC: Yes.

ME: In the thing [gestures], with the bucket?

SC: The brine, yes.

ME: Mmmm...

SC: Spoken like a true vegetarian.

ME: I so would be a vegetarian, if not for the turkey and chicken. Anyway, they’re not mammals.

SC: There’s some solid morals.

ME: I don’t eat anything in the same family as I am. Birds are birds; they’re not cute, these can’t even fly, they’re kinda stupid and they taste good: Food animal. Speaking of which, is Mom having tofurkey?

SC: I dunno, she might just eat sides.

ME: Well, she’ll have more than enough stuffing to choose from.

SC: She LIKES the STOVE TOP.

ME: FINE. Oooh, fruit salad.

SC: Got it covered.

ME: Mom making squash?

SC: She froze a bunch from summer, so yeah.

ME: Mmmm… unfrozen squash…

SC: Dad wanted to know if you’re doing yams again.

ME: No. I was the only one who ate them.

SC: He did. I think Mom did, too.

ME: Yeah, three people. I was eating casserole du yam for three days after.

SC: You could make less, you know.

ME: I think we’ll have enough food. And we’ll have squash, we don’t need yams.

SC: They’re not the same thing!

ME: Yeah, but the same people who eat the squash eat the yams, so we only need one.

SC: That makes no sense.

ME: It does if you don’t want thirteen people waddling home after the meal.

SC: Look, it’s Thanksgiving. It’s the one day we can eat all we want. It’s mandatory.

ME: As opposed to all the other days of the year, where we practice total restraint.

SC: You can’t diet on Thanksgiviing; even the people on Weight Watchers take it off.

ME: You don’t know that. And anyway, I’m not saying you can’t eat a lot of food, I’m saying we don’t need every different kind of food under the sun, especially when the plate can only hold three sides and a hunk of turkey, which is enough to fill anybody—and you know there’s gonna be pie.

SC: Heck yeah, there’s gonna be pie.

ME: Right. So unless you wanna erect a vomitorium, I’d cool it on the number of dishes.

SC: Fine. Squash, corn, green beans, carrots, stuffing, fruit salad, turkey.

ME: Potatoes, gravy.

SC: Right. You’re doing pie?

ME: The BEST apple pie EVER.

SC: Right, so, pie.

ME: The bomb-diggity pie.

SC: Have you ever made this pie before?

ME: No, but it’s going to rock the house. I feel it within.

SC: Just make sure we don’t.

ME: I can BAKE a PIE, dammit.

SC: I believe you. In theory.

ME: I’m going to beat you with my shoe, not-so-in-theory.

SC: Are you making the crust?

ME: As opposed to?

SC: Buying it.

ME: I’m making it.

SC: With shortening?

ME: Ugh. No.

SC: Um, with what, then?

ME: Maragarine, probably.

SC: HA!

ME: You can bake with margarine, you know.

SC: Not pie crust, you can’t.

ME: Probably you can. I’m damn sure going to try.

SC: Your pie’s going to be a puddle of mush.

ME: Healthy, ass-kicking mush.

SC: You need shortening, or butter. Pick one.

ME: I’ll pick butter, if it comes down to it.

SC: Butter has cholesterol.

ME: Shortening has shortening.

SC: Just sayin.’

ME: I will find a way to make this work.

SC: Or you could accept the fact that you can’t make a healthy pie.

ME: It’s not like I’m doing Carob and Hardtack pie; I’m just trying to cut out the ‘early death’ part.

SC: You can’t, if the crust is going to be good.

ME: We shall see.

SC: All right.

ME: In any case, we really don’t need three—

SC: MOM LIKES STOVE TOP!

ME: I’m calling her.

SC: Fine. Get her recipe for Sandpaper Roughage pie while you’re at it.

ME: That’s Ass-Kicking—

SC: Sandpaper Roughage, yeah, I got it.

1 comment:

Team-C4 said...

You. Did. Not. Talk. Smack. About. StoveTop.