October 31, 2006

Something's Rotten

No, I'm not flying out of Denmark.

NWA AUTOMATED SERVICE: Thank you for calling Northwest Airlines! If you have a Frequent Flyer number, you may enter it now.

ME: Oh… kay… um, [beep beep boop beep beep boop beep beep boop beep]

NWA: Thank you. Please select from the following menu: scheduled flights, new reservation, existing reservation.

ME: (mumbling) ….um, did she say ‘press’…? [beep]

NWA: I’m sorry, I didn’t hear that. Please select from the following menu:

ME: Oh, crap, I have to say it—what was it again?

NWA: I’m sorry, I didn’t—

ME: Yes, I know, I wasn’t talking to you. Say it again.

NWA: (pause) I’m sorry, I didn’t hear that. Please call again later. [click]

ME: WHA…? Oh no they did not. [boop beep beep beep boop beep boop beep boop beep beep]

NWA: Thank you for calling Northwest airlines! If you have a Frequent Flyer number—

ME: (grumbling) I may enter it now, yeah, thanks, bizzarch. [beep beep boop beep beep boop beep beep boop beep]

NWA: Please select from the following menu: scheduled flights, new reservation, existing reservation.

ME: (all sarcastic-like) Ex-is-ting res-er-va-tion.

NWA: Thanks. To expedite your call, please tell me what city you’ll be flying out of.

ME: Detriot, Michigan.

NWA: I’m sorry. Please tell me what airport you’ll be flying out of.

ME: DEE-TROIT, MI-CHI-GAN.

NWA: On what date were you planning to fly?

ME: (mumbling) You’ve got to be kidding me.

NWA: On what date—

ME: No-vem-ber twen-ty five.

NWA: What city are you flying into?

ME: Col-o-rad-o Springs, Col-o-rad-o.

NWA: And what date are you returning?

ME: Dee-cem-ber third.

NWA: Thank you. I have you flying out of Halifax, Nova Scotia on July 7, 2007, arriving in Colorado Springs, Colorado on December 3, 2007. Is that correct?

ME: What?

NWA: I have you flying—

ME: NO.

NWA: Which information is not correct? Departure city, departure date, arrival city, arrival date.

ME: Departure date.

NWA: On what date—

ME: No. Vem. Ber. Twen. Tee. Five.

NWA: Thank you. I have you flying out of Halifax, Nova Scotia on November 25, 2006, arriving in Colorado Springs, Colorado on December 3, 2006. Is that correct?

ME: Almost.

NWA: I’m sorry. I have you—

ME: NO.

NWA: Which information—

ME: DEE-PART-URE SEE-TEE.

NWA: What city will you be flying out of?

ME: DEE-TROIT, MEE-CHEE-GAN.

NWA: [pause] I’m sorry, I didn’t hear that. What city—

ME: [exasperated sigh]

NWA: Thank you. I have you flying out of Antwerp, Belgium, on November 25, 2006, arriving in Colorado Springs, Colorado on December 3, 2006. Is that correct?

ME: [pause] YES.

NWA: Please wait while I connect you to the next available customer service representative.

ME: God, FINALLY.

NWA: Our representatives are currently assisting other customers. Would you like to return to the main menu, or wait on the line?

ME: (very slowly, without breathing) WAIT. ON. THE. LINE.

NWA: Thank you. Please wait while I connect you to the next available customer service representative.

[Two minutes pass]

TINA: Hello, my name is Tina, how can I help you?

ME: Yeah, hey Tina. You guys rescheduled my flight, and the time doesn’t really work for me anymore, so I’m trying to see what I can do about that.

TINA: Your flight from Antwerp, Belgium?

ME: I’m not going to Belgium, your machine didn’t like my breathing pattern.

TINA: Pardon?

ME: Would my reservation number help?

TINA: Yes.

ME: [gives number, waits. Waits a bit more.] Hello?

TINA: Yes, your reservation from Detroit to Colorado Springs?

ME: Yes, Thank God. I thought the voice was about to come back, and I don’t have my inhaler.

TINA: Pardon?

ME: Never mind. The return flight on the trip has me getting back into Detroit at 10:00 PM, and that’s too late.

TINA: Well, we have one in the morning, that stops in Florida—

ME: Ew.

TINA: Then connects to Detriot at 6:30 PM.

ME: Hmm. Can I just switch days, then? Take the same flight a day earlier?

TINA: Yes, we can do that.

ME: [bracing] Is there going to be some kind of fee for that? Because, you know, you guys rescheduled the flight, so it’s not like—

TINA: There’s no fee, ma’am.

ME: Oh. Good. Well, then.

TINA: I made the change in the system and sending an email confirming the change. Is there anything else I can help you with?

ME: Oh, um, no. That was actually pretty easy.

TINA: Thank you.

ME: Your automated service is balls, though.

TINA: Yes, ma’am.

ME: Hee. Thanks, Tina.

TINA: No problem. Enjoy your flight.

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