A Questionnaire by Marcel Proust…

...Cannot Be Taken Seriously.

1. Your favourite virtue.
The kind that gives in after one drink.

2. Your favourite qualities in man.
I prefer perfection, but settle for proximity.

3. Your favourite qualities in woman.
Their husbands and brothers.

4. Your favourite qualities in friends.
Their uncanny ability to purchase the very things you covet, and their unwillingness to ask for them back.

5. Your biggest flaw.
My coleflaw. Ferioufly, it’s enormouf.

6. Your favourite occupation.
I’m doing it right now.

7. Your chief characteristic.
I corrected your spelling of ‘chief’… what was the question?

8. Your idea of happiness.
A strawberry-chip cake with marshmallow frosting.

9. Your idea of misery.

10. Your favourite colour and flower.
The colour of a one-handed dog barking in the forest. The flower is the one that hears.

11. If not yourself, who would you be?
My younger brother, I suppose; he was born just after me.

12. Where would you like to live?
The present. It’s harder than you might think.

13. Your favourite prose authors.
I liked them better when they were amateurs; they’re so conceited since they went prose.

14. Your favourite poet.
Henry VIII. His style may have been formulaic, but he made up for it in execution.

15. Your favourite composers.
No matter how I Liszt them, I’m convinced the best composers are still Hayden.

16. Your favourite heroes in real life.
You don’t know the names of heroes in real life.

17. Your favourite heroines in real life.
East Asian poppies. And I prefer shooting up to chasing the dragon.

18. Your favourite food and drink.
When enjoyed with friends, any meal is a feast. Especially when they treat.

19. Your favourite names.
Devilcheeks, sinnalicious, beastmaster—whatever I called you last night.

20. What characters in history do you most dislike?
The dead ones.

21. The military deed you admire most.
Little Big Horn: an oxymoron and evergreen stupidity reference all rolled into one!

22. What gift from nature would you most like to have?
I wouldn’t mind those wild oats back.

23. How would you like to die?
Um, no thank you… maybe another time?

24. Your pet aversion.
Oh, right—I have an aversion to pets; that’s why I vetoed the howler monkey. Get over it.

25. What is your present state of mind?
Anything shiny, whinnying, or otherwise expensive.

26. For what fault have you most toleration?
San Andreas. I know I shouldn’t let it keep coming back, but those bedroom eyes…

27. Your favourite motto.
“Superfluous ‘U’s uunite!”


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