I know I comment all the time about the shows I watch, and the basic love / hate relationship I have with television on the whole. I have a theory that we humans watch other humans on TV because we can experience a wide range of activities without ever having to actually do them ourselves; basically, you’re watching someone else live your life, and I disagree with that on principle. I further disagree with people who talk to the television, or yell suggestions to actors onscreen, as on some level I view it as abandoning one’s own destiny by allowing oneself to be manipulated by the media.

So imagine my surprise last night around 10:55 PM, when they announced that Katie was out, and Angela—freaking Angela “I’m oh-so-artsy with my green frames” Keslar—would be staying on the show for at least another week, as the stentorian echo of my incredulous “NOOOOOOOO!” echoed around my apartment. I couldn’t help myself. I don’t know whether I thought it was truly unjust, since Katie’s gown was really lovely, or if I glimpsed another inexplicable week of Angela’s pinched, bratty visage and my response broke from my body cathartically. I think it was the latter at the time, but now that I’ve recovered from the shock, I feel compelled to discuss the former in detail.

Angela should be off this show. She’s not a good person, and yes, that that annoys me and fuels my hatred of her to some degree, but more importantly: she’s not a good designer. Especially considering the company she’s competing with—Kayne, Uli, Robert, Michael, even Vincent (he’s crazy, but he can still knock out some style)—there is no reason she should have made it even to Episode 3. I thought for sure she was going last week, because Malan really has some game as a designer even if he did botch the Miss USA gown, but no—reprieve numero uno for she of the bad leggings. In that particular challenge, she was knocked to the Bottom Two not because she’s a shitty designer, but because she didn’t do any work at all, but rather spent the week berating her teammate for the effort he was actually putting forth. Jeez, I didn’t know that this show lets you choose whether or not you actually want to participate from week to week. Oh wait.

I understand why Malan and Katie were voted out; I get that concept as well as execution are important factors in constructing an effective piece. The garment should be original, be wearable, and inspire the prospective audience. Not only have I been unimpressed at Angela’s every successive creation—let alone uninspired—but am continually left gaping blankly at each consecutive atrocity that has been allowed down the runway as anything other than the result of copious imbibing of alcoholic beverages, or possibly a dare. Malan’s gown was a good idea, but badly executed, especially for the intended wearer. Katie’s was beautiful; I still love it and hope Target takes her back so I can hang it in my closet, but yes, it’s fairly vanilla for high-fashion. These are important concerns. BUT CAN’T WE ADDRESS THEM AFTER WE GET RID OF THE WOMAN WHO SENT A MODEL DOWN THE RUNWAY IN SOMETHING THAT LOOKED LIKE STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE’S HOOKER COUSIN AFTER A SKITTLE BINGE, is all I’m saying.

Besides being plain, Katie’s dress was certainly the lesser of the evils. It had the benefits of being well made, well sewn, good color choice and wearability. Angela’s, not so much. Literally. There was not so much… fabric. Considering this fictional woman wearing the design is an assistant director of “a day care in Paris”…hang on. [Seriously? Paris? Is she ‘elegant’ and ‘sophisticated’, too? I’m surprised the judges didn’t tell Angela to take her fashion buzzwords and blow them out her Carrie-Bradshaw-esque skirt. I’m sorry, but equating ‘fashion’ with ‘Paris’ is as hackneyed as designing a line with an ‘Old Hollywood’ theme in mind, and as much as I love the judges ripping her Frankenstein’s monster of an outfit apart, they didn’t even roll an eye at “Paris”. It’s OK; I rolled two.]

OK, so the day care thing: no. For children ages 6-12? No. High-school? No. Earliest-age child to leave with a woman dressed like this? Twenty-first birthday, very likely as the entertainment. Even more likely: forty-year-olds, at the Playboy Mansion. The outfit doesn’t just inherently suck, it sucks because it doesn’t match the storyline attributed to it. Perhaps if the storyline had been, “She’s a fourteen-year-old girl who, one night, is hopped up on Jolt Cola and gets a hold of her mother’s sewing machine. Armed only with her knowledge from a semester of Home Ec, she makes a night-on-the-town outfit using pillowcases and rosettes from her mother’s home-crocheted plant hangers. She tries on the whole ensemble, finishes the matching scarf for Fluffy, and is so pleased with the outcome she wears it to take him out for his final evening poo,” then I would have gone for it. Maybe. Because it’s plausible. Unlike the ‘day care’ pipe dream, because nobody should be wearing this outfit unless the crowd receiving her can handle it (and yeah, I mean that literally all over).

To be clear: I don’t want her to go because I hate her as a person, or hate her attitude or her wardrobe, or anything else that I hate about her, which is everything I’ve seen so far. I hate Keith as well, but he’s got some chops in the industry, and although he’s whiny and conceited, I’d actually like to see what he does next. The judges must agree, because they kept him in after this challenge, despite the fact that he didn’t make an outfit for the dog… when the challenge was “make an outfit for the dog”.* His bleary defense in his interviews, saying that he made outfits for her, but stylistically, she doesn’t need them, was enough to keep him ‘in’ because he can usually bust out a product.* Angela can’t do that. Nina Garcia said her model looked like a prostitute—and they still kept her ‘in’. WHY? Seriously—is she the producer’s niece? Is she a member of Seal’s backup band? Why in the hell does is she allowed to keep terrorizing my show?

The commercial next week features Tim telling someone they have to leave immediately for breaking the rules of the show; if I’m not the first person to say “What in hell took the Fashion Police so long to get a warrant; this voting is so rigged I'm amazed Angela's dresses aren't made of chads?”, then I shall at least be the most impassioned. Check out the evidence and see if you don’t join the cause.

*To which I say, in this particular instance: Boo. Perhaps the dog was exotic enough that dressing it would be gilding the lily. Which is why all the beautiful models are allowed to walk down the runway naked, because they’re already so pretty that… wait. Yeah. You’re a designer: you’re commissioned, you do what your client asks you to do. You’re not famous enough to tell people what they want—at least not yet—so shut your piehole and give the dog some rhinestone spats or something. And by the way, “Keith”—I know you. Your name is Matt, and you’re living in NYC. Quit pretending you’re not a former friend of mine, like, it’ll take more that a nose job and a drug-addled squint. Also, get the hell over yourself. Your designs are nice but you’re still losing. To Kayne.


Meg said…
Woo!! Ditto! Since I can't add anything extra to your rant... might I say you put it best with "STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE’S HOOKER COUSIN AFTER A SKITTLE BINGE". Amen.

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