May 25, 2006

Composing a Vanity License Plate for a Romantically-Naïve Male Friend who has, Once Again, Found His Soul-Mate

MY SISTER: He wants a ‘LUV’ somewhere in it—
ME: Unsurprisingly. Like, C LUV B?
SIS: CN LUV BF?
ME: No, that looks like “I love my best friend.”
SIS: Oh. WE R IN LUV?
ME: I M IN LUV?
SIS: 2 IN LUV?
ME: IMAKEUHURL?
SIS: That’s too many letters.
ME: This entire idea is re-tikki-tikki-tarded.
SIS: She’s better than the stripper, you gotta gimmie that.
ME: Given, but tattooing either name on his ass is not a good idea.
SIS: He’s not.
ME: His car’s ass. Same diff.
SIS: He’s got, like, three cars.
ME: “BILLYJO, BOBBYJO and BETTYJO?”
SIS: More like SKANK, SKANKR, and I BLEW YR BF.
ME: His high-school girlfriend’s name is on the oldest car, isn’t it?
SIS: I think it’s his dog.
ME: That’s still ridiculous, yet slightly more respectable.
SIS: I’d put my dog’s name on my plates.
ME: …aaaand I’m getting into heaven, for letting that comment pass.
SIS: Shut up. I love my dog.
ME: So do I, but ‘I love my dog’ and ‘LUV MY SHTZU’ are two very different worlds.
SIS: Dogs don’t leave you. Or blow your best friend.
ME: Let’s hope.
SIS: In your car.
ME: Seriously?
SIS: SCNE OF CRME.
ME: Daamn! And ‘ha’.
SIS: See? The new one’s a keeper. Emphasize the positive.
ME: Can you do symbols? How about I [heart] U, FRREALTHISTME?
SIS: I [heart] ME WHN IM W/U?
ME: I [heart] U SO I [club] NOW?
SIS: It’s the other one that worked at the club.
ME: “But is it really a club, if she lets anybody in?” Ba-dum bump!
SIS: THIS ONE IS DIFFERENT. And it was more like “everybody”.
ME: THX FR THAT STD?
SIS: HA! ‘I [heart] HRPES’.
ME: SEXKLLS
SIS: That one’s taken. By the Christian Coalition.
ME: No, that’s UNWD SX KLLS
SIS: Or GY SX KLLS.
ME: They’re just jealous, anyway.
SIS: I H8 MISSIONARY SX
ME: That’s too long.
SIS: IH8H8ERS
ME: Hey, that might be my new one.
SIS: Or GTAHOBBY.
ME: That’s awesome, but again, too long.
SIS: THTS WT SHE SED.
ME: GROWUP.
SIS Hee. You’re making me lose focus, here.
ME: Why doesn’t he go with the old standby USE ME? Or FOOL4LUV?
SIS: He wants her on it. It’s romantic. Remember romance?
ME: I can’t see the flowers for the cheese.
SIS: You’re just bitter.
ME: HV FN WTH THT DVORCE
SIS: Dude—he’s going to marry her. Try to be positive.
ME: I like her fine; it’s his license plate I’m upchucking about.
SIS: Eeew.
ME: Is my point. That’s the reaction to avoid. And odds are pretty high we shall fail, with the requisite ‘LUV’. Can we be cautious? IT MITE B LUV?
SIS: NOT LK LAST TIME?
ME: OR TME B4 THT?
SIS: 9TIMESTHECHARM?
ME: Wait… AN I LUV HR. Beatles. Classic.
SIS: Hm… not bad. And coming from you...
ME: What? I’m not so jaded. I have feelings.
SIS: (suspiciously) Mmmmm.
ME: Wanna hear the runner up?
SIS: Here we go.
ME: PLZ DNT REAR END ME CZ I MDE U BARF.
SIS: Why did I ask for your help, again?
ME: My wellspring of human emotion.
SIS: Right.

2 comments:

Christine said...

Oh how I hate, hate, hate the personalized license plates. Hate, I tell you. I have driven far too many times through Virginia the personalized license plate capital of the world. Just shoot me.

On the other hand, your Aunt Sue's new plant had me in stitches. That is hilarious.

Beedoo said...

Man, you should've seen her--all ducking behind the couch with the plant, like the cops were about to turn on the floodlights and rappel off choppers to bring her in. I actually toned it down.

And yeah, vanity license plates are the last bastion of the sad. I don't broadcast my love for cheese or PBS specials on the back of my damn car, so I shouldn't be forced to learn about everyone else's strange fetishes while sitting in traffic. Courtesy, people. Geez.