Why I Will Never Live at Home Again, Ever

At my mother’s for dinner last night

MY BABY BROTHER: Mom, can I use your car tomorrow?
MOM: I don’t know. Are the dishes done?
ME: Ha! That’s awesome!
BB: You’re gonna make me do the dishes?
MOM: I’m not making you do anything.

[I laugh silently into my crochet]

BB: We all ate. Why do I have to do the dishes?
MOM: You want to borrow my car.
BB: (pointing at me) Why can’t she help with them?
ME: I pay $300 to not do anyone’s dishes.
BB: What?
ME: Car payment. $300. You don’t have one, you beg for a car. I don’t owe Mom any favors.
MOM: Excuse me?
ME: Except for the precious gift of life.
BB: Nice save.
ME: Thank you.
MOM: I don’t care if you use my car, I just really hate doing dishes.

[BB leaves. A few minutes later, we hear the clanking of dishes.]

MOM: Is he really doing the dishes?
ME: Mom, you told him to.
MOM: I know, but I didn’t think he would.
ME: So you were just gonna let him have the car?
MOM: Well, yeah.
ME: This is why you had a hard time convincing us to pay rent, Mom.
MOM: Yeah, I’m too nice.
ME: “She said, polishing her halo.”
MOM: I’m sure he needs help in there.
ME: Three hundred dollars, Mom.

This morning

ME: So, I took the bus in.
ME: Not bad. We could’ve gotten coffee if you’d picked me up, though.
COS: You should’ve asked earlier.
ME: I called last night. I left a message.
COS: I was asleep.
ME: That’s why I called again this morning.
COS: Yeah, that’s a little late.
ME: I know, so I took the bus. I’m not accusing you of anything; I’m here, it all worked out.
COS: Of course, if I’d have known the reason Mom had no car this morning, I would have told you to fuck off when you asked for a ride.
ME: What are you talking about?
COS: That you refused to take Dad home, so your poor brother had to borrow the car from Mom to take him home.


ME: That never happened!
COS: S’what Mel says.
ME: She’s lying. None of that went down!
COS: He didn’t do the dishes?
ME: NO, he did, in exchange for the car. I was never asked to take anyone anywhere!
COS: You weren’t.
COS: Well, that’s what she said.
ME: She was in the room the entire time the whole thing happened!
COS: I don’t know—I was in bed. That’s just what she told me.
ME: Are you telling me that you wouldn’t have picked me up this morning if she had told you this bullshit story, because it seems like it was true?
COS: I thought it was true.
ME: It’s NOT!
COS: I know that now.
ME: You wouldn’t have this morning, though. And I would have been late for work because of something that didn’t happen.
COS: So instead you’re on time for work, taking time to argue because something that could have made you late didn’t actually happen?


ME: I object to the lie. I am not in the wrong here.
COS: Noted.
ME: She’s a liar.
COS: Also noted.
ME: I’m going back to work.
COS: I wish you would.
ME: Also?
COS: Mmm?
ME: Always ask me what happened.
COS: Fine.
ME: I’m not a liar.
COS: Well done.
ME: And I don’t steal shirts.
COS: Good to know.
ME: Working now.
COS: Have fun.


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