April 11, 2006

Biggest Boobs in Hollywood

I got my brother this book for an engagement present (sniffle – my little baby’s growing up!). I think it outlines our relationship really well. I’d love it if he read it to his kids one day… it would be very Ciiircle of Liiiife…

Sorry. I’ve had that stuck in my head for a few days.

I saw Thank You for Smoking last weekend. It was pretty good. I enjoy satire, so I wasn’t offended by any of it (except the $9.50 ticket price—is it always that steep?); I expected it to be funny, and it was, and I was entertained. Until Katie Holmes showed up to rain all over my damn parade.

Dear Tom Cruise,

Please do something constructive with your money. You have lots of it, I know. I couldn’t count so high with a billion fingers. And I know you’re eccentric (crazy) and in love (“”) with Katie Holmes (Swedish bank account), but I believe you used your money / influence for evil when you had her cast in this film. Especially when the only term used to describe the character is “amazing tits”.

Tom. Tommy. She doesn’t have any.

I am telling you this because, perhaps in your blind passion for your one true love (ploy), you have become unaware that your lovely (I’ve heard) wife possesses little more cleavage than a thirteen year old boy (that you pretend she is, nights). Is it really right, that there are so many women in Hollywood who fit the mould perfectly, as it were, that your childlike bride should get the part? And should she play it without so much as a miracle bra to make it semi-believable? I understand you love her shortcomings, but seriously, casting a girl with no boobies to play a girl with a character-defining rack is like casting a clean shaven man to play “Guy With Beard.” The audience was confused, Tom, and I was not the least of them.

I only ask that you spend your time and money more wisely, given the talent (oh no, it’s too easy) and reputation (barking loon) that you are rumored to possess. Mel Gibson is making a nice movie about strange tribal people—you could do that. Find your own crazy and embrace it. But please leave Katie out of it. She’s going to have enough trouble giving birth in the dark without spilling a single drop of blood.

With respec-- affect-- not entirely ill feeling,

Beedoo

Otherwise, the movie was good. Aaron Eckhart looks completely different than in Erin Brockovich; I had no idea who he was [Me, in the theatre: “Is that Thomas Jayne?”]. But seriously, the boob thing threw me off. Was Katherine Heigl busy that day?

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