April 27, 2006

76 Things That Cause Me Great Pain

1. Halter tops
2. American pronunciations of foreign words
3. My cat’s biannual bath day
4. Financial irresponsibility
5. When boys cry
6. Country-Western music
7. Paying more money for healthier food
8. Dressing twins alike
9. Rolling over on one of the many books in my bed in the night
10. Inability to deck members of my extended family for fear of retribution
11. Punching a wall at family reunions
12. Commercials advertising feminine hygiene products
13. All other commercials
14. Cliques of alternatively dressed skater boys
15. Tight shoes
16. Adults who blithely teach children incorrect information
17. The way Celine Dion’s voice seems to occupy all dimensions at once
18. Other women
19. Man’s lack of understanding / compassion for all female reproductive processes
20. The tanning phenomenon
21. A Tim Horton’s “mocha”
22. My addiction to Sex and the City reruns
23. The resolve to do Tae-Bo in a 4x4 dorm room, and the resulting broken big toe
24. Realizing my mother is getting older
25. The 4-second lapse it takes for Promising Dating Prospect to become Creepy / Annoying / Married Guy
26. A high-fiber diet
27. Turning 21
28. A rationalization that serves to perpetuate a destructive pattern
29. When people misuse “well” and “good”.
30. Documentaries featuring whaling or the Holocaust
31. Espresso without milk
32. Sitcoms
33. Being stuck outside on a warm day for any length of time while wearing a sweater
34. The “herd mentality”
35. Grease
36. Scheduling an appointment for the one tooth in my head that does not yet have a filling
37. Watching a TV show I used to love deteriorate into an hour of bad one-liners and blissful disregard of continuity
38. Badly-written television that gets renewed for another season
39. My total lack of a legacy
40. Pierced navels
41. Accepting one’s limitations
42. Walking into walls while staring very obviously at some guy’s arms
43. The burning red shame of a sunburn
44. My own impotence
45. The success of the selling phrase “age-defying”
46. Explaining “portion size” to a group of avid overeaters
47. Men who believe prolonged eye contact is tantamount to marriage
48. The stubborn refusal to cook “lite”
49. Witnessing someone being taken advantage of
50. The inevitable shrieking of a large group of children
51. Eating sashimi
52. Being told that I “couldn’t possibly understand”
53. Car trips that involve the repeated playing of Broadway soundtracks
54. Any injury received on a night of drinking, which is not felt until 8 hours later
55. Kidding “on-the-square”
56. The inestimable time since I was able to nap
57. Eating cheese
58. Not eating cheese
59. When Bush speaks
60. Animal cruelty
61. Joseph Conrad’s “Heart of Darkness”
62. Smoking
63. Stores that make miniskirts and wedge heels for ten-year-olds
64. Women who let their daughters shop there
65. The depressing portentous creaks of your body in the morning
66. The righteous entitlement spawned by the phrase “the customer’s always right”.
67. The bird that poo-bombs my car on the driver’s side ONLY
68. The superiority of Europe to American in just about every possible way
69. “Writer’s block”
70. The calm arrogance of recognized religious groups
71. When “How are you?” is merely a greeting and not a question
72. Meetings
73. Putting “pancakes” on my restricted foods list
74. People talking of childbirth
75. People talking of marriage
76. People talking.

2 comments:

Jessica said...

I probably could comment on lots of these, but I will do the "American pronounciations of foreign words" one because I cannot stant foreign pronounciations of foreign words... such as when someone speaks in a totally generic non-accent and then says "MUTZaREL." It's mahtzaRELla.

Beedoo said...

My father totally does that. He actually says something like MOOTZ-arrrelya, with a trilled 'r' and all. He never did it while we were growing up... senility?