Dum Dum Da Dum

I had a dream that I was getting married the other night, and I realized something: I could actually get married in this lifetime. That weirds me out. It seems like something other people do; it’s not really for me, personally, mainly because I could never imagine one person who could put up with me for that long. I realized I wouldn’t even mind being married, as such, but I would hate to have a wedding. I really don’t want one. The being married and living together are no big deal, but if I think about a dress and food and relatives my blood pressure just skyrockets, and I’m not even dating anyone. I have a problem with weddings, in the same way I have a problem with Valentine’s Day: People get upset if you don’t do exactly what they want you to, or expect you to, for a traditional event. I once told a friend that I never wanted to get married and she looked at me like she had always suspected I was a leper, but my nose just had fallen off in front of her and everything was different now. I don’t want an engagement ring. I’m not that big on cut flowers. If I had a wedding planner, she would throw her clipboard at me and quit inside of a week, yelling something on her way out about having it in a cave with yetis and monks. Which is more or less what I’d want.

For the sake of fun (or “fun”), and because I don’t actually have to think about it yet, I went to iVillage and took their little wedding quiz—just to see what the options are, and what would be expected of me if I actually did decide to get hitched. My answers were as follows:

I. In your mind, what is the most romantic way for your significant other to propose?

The options here were the standard “billboard, sporting event, romantic dinner, weekend getaway” variety, so of course, I hated them all. I don’t care for hokey or trite. I think that if a man wanted to propose to me it would have to be spontaneous, because I normally have ADD and I’m all over the place. I can imagine getting proposed to just to shut me up for a minute. That’s probably how it’ll happen. But somewhere unexpected, and without the ring, in an adorable little homey and complacent scene: like in he’s the shower and I’m shaving my legs in the sink and he just realizes he loves me in this rush of feeling so he proposes and I laugh it off and then realize he’s serious and nick my ankle but it all ends in happiness and shower sex. Or something.

II. Let's talk jewelry: What would your ideal engagement ring look like?

I don’t want one, I said. I think jewelry is very pretty, but I personally just don’t like wearing it, especially precious stones that cost more than my car. I can barely handle the thought of a wedding band on my hand everyday; although I once saw a really nice one (sterling silver: as classy as I get) with a very nice little Latin phrase about protecting each other’s hearts… that was okay. Or just a plain wedding band. An engagement ring is just less money spent on the honeymoon. Would you rather have a diamond ring, or three extra weeks in Europe? [Hint: You’re a moron if you took the ring.]

III. Your dream wedding dress would be:

Given options: fairy tale princess, vintage thrift-store gown, or Vera Wang. Well, geez, if these were my only options I would go with thrift-store, because again, Europe money. And I don’t see the point of blowing ten large on a dress you wear once. The fluffy-princess dress is not for me in so many obvious ways; I would look like Daria covered in poofy and atrocious tulle. The only dress I can imagine is either a Victorian blouse and skirt, or whatever pattern my grandmother and I pick out that we can just make ourselves. So I’m flexible on this, but whatever I choose, it will be cheap, and I will not be wearing shoes. I don’t want my wedding to feel like prom, so if I have to get married, the groom and I will be barefoot for maximum comfort—everyone else, shoes optional. So I guess I’ll have to pick a dress that goes with no shoes. And it will not be white. I am not a virgin, and I don’t pretend to be.

IV. How many bridesmaids do you plan to have?

This is tough, because I am leaning towards no inviting anyone to the wedding; just having a ceremony with me and the groom, and then having the reception a day later. If I had to have bridesmaids, I’d probably just have my sisters, but I wouldn’t make them buy matching dresses and dyed shoes an all that crap. Maybe I’d dress them as actual maids so they could wait on me all day. Yeah, that sounds good. Mwahahaha!

V. Where is the ideal location for your reception?

OK, so this is probably the hardest thing, only because I don’t want to have a reception somewhere that means nothing to me. I hate ceremony for ceremony’s sake. I would really like to have it in a park (since I plan to get married outside, anyway), but it would probably have to be one in my hometown and that means I’d have to get married there, or in Michigan anyways, and I don’t know about that. Seems too Our Town. Ideally, I’d like to get married in Ireland or Edinburgh, somewhere that I really love and will have nothing but more good memories of, but I couldn’t possibly fly my entire family there for the ceremony. So I don’t know. And that’s why I am happy I’m doing this questionnaire now, when I don’t have to decide anything at all.

VI. Who is going to help you plan the wedding?

The groom. That’s it. And I have complete and total veto power over everything, as is written in the fine print of a marriage proposal: you asked me, you get me my way. I am not having any sword trellises, Renfest weddings, or handfastings (all prior suggestions from exes, by the way) and that’s just the way it freakin’ is. As to the mother and mother-in-law, mine won’t care about planning, and if his has a problem she can have a daughter of her own. I would welcome suggestions, just so I don’t forget anything, but nobody should be offended if I don’t use them.

VII. What kind of music will you have at the reception?

Everything. There will be oldies, hip-hop, crap eighties and Sinatra, hopefully arranged more artfully than in this sentence. I will make sure there are more fast songs than slow, as all my friends are bitter couple-haters who came to my wedding to get drunk and shake their groove thang on the dance floor, and I totally respect that. I don’t know what my wedding song will be, though, probably because I haven’t met the boy yet. The song is more about the person and the connotation of the song, rather than the song itself. We might well be dancing to “Hollaback Girl”.

IIX. Other than you or your fiance getting cold feet, what is the worst wedding disaster you can imagine?

After this quiz, I would have to say “Having one”. And what kind of question is this to be asking people who are freaked out about their weddings in the first place? Insensitive, much?

IX. Don't forget about the gifts! What kind of things will you two be registering for?

You wouldn’t believe the list that followed this, so I urge you to visit the link. The charity donation idea is a nice one, and I’ll take it up the minute I’m independently wealthy. If I’m still paying bills on my wedding day, I’d say we’re probably registering for silverware, plates, and a George Foreman grill. I don’t need a fondue pot. If my husband cooks, he can get some cookware, like cake pans, or a crock pot, that kind of thing. The cooking supplies you don’t really need until you get married. And yeah, some new sheets, too. Maybe we’ll pick some things out of the Pottery Barn catalog, just to see who really loves us.

X. Which of the following expenses will get the biggest part of your wedding budget: the flowers, photographer, the band, or the catering?

I think I’ve mentioned my thoughts on flowers; getting married outside gives me all the wedding vegetation I need. I am so not having a band, because again, not a billionaire, and I’ve heard horror stories about bad performances (although I am totally setting up a karaoke mic for the after-hours party). My plan for catering, and you may mock me, is pot luck. My entire family cooks, I can set up trays and such of stuff we can get in bulk. As long as there’s cake, the food does not need to be fancy, and I don’t need mysterious mass food poisoning on my wedding day. So, probably the photographer will cost the most money, because I don’t know any photographers who would cut me a break.

XI. What is your fantasy honeymoon location?

You haven’t really been listening, have you? Europe. The only difference being we’ll stay in hotels instead of hostels, because we’re married now and have to be classy.

XII. All eyes will be on you! What will be your wedding-day beauty regimen?

I’m snort-laughing right now. I must give props to iVillage, as they actually did list “none” as an option. I am probably one rung above “none”; I plan to wear minimal makeup, but the hair has got to look awesome—and it has to stay that way. You can get away with any facial imperfection of your hair looks good. But most of the pretty is in the preparation; I’ll just go to the salon with my sisters and get cuts and waxes a few days prior. We can do our own hair and makeup on the day.

XIII. Who will be escorting you down the aisle?

My mother. I already told her she was, a long time ago, and whenever the subject comes up I’m more convinced it’s what I want. She is way more apt to be “giving me away” than my father.

So, that’s all the questions they have. Nothing about a date, a cake, a time of year, or wedding guests. Or an engagement party, decorations, or wedding-party gifts. This quiz really bites if I can come up with more things to add to it. Not that I’m thinking about any of this at the moment. It was just for fun. Jeez.

I wonder if there are any baby quizzes online.*

* So, so kidding.


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