It's Not What You Think

I am not a slacker. That’s not what’s happening here.

I realize the posts have fallen off post-new year, and while I would like to just own it, apologize, and move on, I don’t think I deserve all the flak. I offer not excuses, but explanations, for my absence:

Work is Nuts: I know, everyone says that. But I have been getting more and more things heaped on me since about last September, and my amount of free time at work has decreased fantastically. You can tell because my writing style has gotten so boring. It’s boring, isn’t it? You’re bored right now.

I Need to Work Out: And you guys have been neglected accordingly. I am sorry. But you have lives of your own, so I figure skipping a post in favor of running a few miles actually strengthens our relationship. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. And next time you see me, my ass will be higher. You will want me even more.

I Had Holiday Crap to Do: And I did it, so hopefully that sort of distraction is over with now. There are no more holidays until my birthday, which is a whole month away, and I don’t anticipate any time-consuming gift making, because it’s my birthday, dammit. And yes, I do consider it a holiday, so don’t expect the bank to be open.

There Were Things I Needed to Read Online: A few journals, a few websites, a few more brain cells lost to frivolity. I am truly sorry. My discipline is lax.

I Have Been Sleeping a Lot, Like a Lazy McFatass, Instead of Updating My Blog: No. I have definitely not been oversleeping. If anything, I’ve been undersleeping, which is not a word. I think it is this same tiredness that’s affecting my writing skillz.

There Was Stuff on TV: OK, this one is not true. I do not watch TV.* I didn’t even watch movies while I was sick. I only got a chance to see the new Harry Potter a week ago, so no, that was not the reason I didn’t post. I may have been lazy, but not that lazy.

I Have Been Putting Off This Whole Writing Thing, Purposely, as the Result of a Deep-Seated Panic That I will Never Write Anything of Substance, Become Famous, or Have any Sort of Validation to My Life: Uh… no. Tsch. Whatever. I’m a rock star. Man, you’re harsh sometimes.

I’ll bet you want to know what’s been happening in my absence. Not a lot, but I would bet. And so, I share with you the highlights of the haul—

The Best Christmas Presents (I) Ever (Got) 2005:

Yoga Shakti – Ow. I love it.
A yoga mat – Nothing helps you Namaste like a mat that looks exactly like a Fruit Roll-Up. Very easy to find your center.
Schoolhouse Rock (Complete) – “Mr. Morton is the subject of the sentence, and what the predicate saaaaays, he DOEEEES!” You’re jealous.
Bright yellow bedsheets – My aunt made these for me. She had to sew when I worked nights at Starbucks so I would be surprised. So Dickensian.
Both Franz Ferdinand CDs – “Well, do ya? Do ya, do ya wanna?” You know you do.
Best of Bowie – Bowie is hot. He’s still hot, and he’s like, sixty. Impressive.
The Piano – Speaking of hot, is everyone oddly attracted to Harvey Keitel in this movie? Don’t tell me if you’re not, I want to think it’s okay.
“Shut up, Rory” t-shirt – Cannot, cannot express how awesome.
The Muppet Show, Season One – The theme song is my cell phone ring, did I mention that? Perhaps I thought I couldn’t get any cooler in your estimation. I was so wrong.
Rocky and Bullwinkle, Season Three – And I will go right on completing the set. No school like the old school.
I have to start getting it up to run today. It started to snow about an hour ago, and the desire has ebbed a bit. It’s been two weeks, and I’m afraid to get back up on the horse. God, it’s so easy to be lazy! I hate it. I’d rather shoot heroin to stay awake than permanently adopt the level of laziness I’ve been sloughing through lately. OK. Running. I know I’ll feel better afterwards. I’ll feel better during. The hardest part of working out is putting on the shorts. You are your only opposition. Get centered. Psyche yourself up. GET HYPE! Zzzz…. NO! HYPE! GET HYPE! Can’t… zzzzz… comfy… NO! GET UP! Get… UP… Get… zzzz…

Just kidding. I’m totally up for it. See you tomorrow.

*All my shows are on hiatus anyway. Huh, “shows”—I’m my grandmother.


Popular Posts