January 23, 2006

Celebrity Bites

Well, Angelina Jolie is pregnant; I guess the temptation to create the uberbaby was just too great to overcome. “Let’s take the most beautiful woman in the world, impregnate her with the seed of the most attractive man in the world, and see what science can do!” That kid is going to have movie deals when he’s still in his second trimester. They might as well hand him the keys to the universe in the delivery room. If Bragelina (Angelad? Brajolie? Jolitt?) decide to tie the knot, they'll be like the new Bogey & Bacall and become king and queen of all Hollywood. The unfortunate thing is, the heir apparent will be stuck with the surname ‘Pitt’. That’s not exactly worthy of his kingdom, is it? Angelina should keep it ‘Jolie’-it makes more sense that the Adonis of the Entertainment World should sound a little French, no? I hope they don’t go all ridiculous celebrity christening (*cough*Apple Paltrow*cough*) on the kid’s first name. Although if Orange isn’t taken, that would be pretty funny. Orange Jolie. He’d so get called Orange Julius in school. From afar.

I’m not the only one who thinks Elijah Wood looks like Jesus as Frodo, right? It’s like Elijah studied every single representation of the crucifixion and spent hours weeping, pouting and furrowing in the mirror. I see a little of Alexander the Great in Frodo, too, but that's mostly the pained expression and the ambiguous relationship with Samwise. Not that I'm complaining; I say they make a hot couple (as my mother tells me to "stop making their friendship dirty"). I don't mind if Sam and Frodo are mad steamy lovers; I mind that those scenes didn't get filmed (actually, I heard about the atmosphere on the LOTR set, so I’m betting they did get filmed—just not printed. Peter Jackson is so planning to make them the hidden track on ‘The Return of the King: Extra-Extra-Extended Not-Like-Last-Time Special Edition’ (Summer 2006)). Probably because Hobbit porn would be either like midget porn or kiddie porn, both of which are pretty disturbing. "Frodo UnderSam: Lord of the Cockrings".* It's not wrong, if it's funny.

Speaking of sweaty epics with semi-platonic friendships, I was watching Spartacus the other day when something struck me: The heroes in period films all have perfect teeth. Beautiful teeth. Twenty-first century teeth. No matter what the era, the peasants/commoners/lower echelon of humanity are made to look really scruffy and dirty, down to their nasty, yellowed, badly-spaced teeth. And whom can they turn to when the king is a tyrant? To lead them out of slavery? To save them from the orc army? When the time for rebellion is at hand, there shall come a great leader, and you shall know him by the whiteness of his teeth. Spartacus has a gleaming white ting! And he was a SLAVE. Aragorn? Has caps. Forget the birthright or ancestry—of course the men are going to follow Spartacus if he’s the only one with a tube of Crest in Ancient Rome. Wouldn't it be a bitch if the last scion of the royal bloodline turned out to be this little, scraggly, dentally-challenged waif? Nobody would get behind that (because they've seen these movies before), and I feel bad for the peasantry because not one of them will ever be the hero, solely on an orthodontic basis. It doesn’t make sense; I think if you’re going to be a revolting peasant, you need to be a revolting peasant. You have to stink. You have to know about how bad it sucks to have four whole teeth in your head because the king would rather buy new draperies than livestock. You can't be one of the posh and lead a rebellion. It doesn't work. All these movies do is convince me how stupid the mob mentality really is.

On the subject of bad teeth (and, for that matter, mob mentality), I do NOT see the allure of Flavor-Flav. At all. He must be incredibly wealthy, and these girls must want some kind of movie deal. I would not have sex with Flav for a movie contract. Or money, of any and all denominations. If it meant all my debts were paid, my mother’s mortgage burned, my student loans cancelled, a book deal AND a villa next to Johnny Depp’s in the south of France… I would not even blow the Flav. I’d blow Johnny.** The show is one of two on television that physically nauseate me if I ever watch them (Nip/Tuck is the other, just in case you wondered). Here’s a tip, from me to Flav: They’re making fun of you. It was the point of the first show, it was the point of Strange Love, and it’s still the only reason VH-1 keeps cutting you checks, albeit large ones. You’re an oddity. These women don’t love you. They want riches and fame. They don’t care what the Flavor of Love is; they care about the Color of Money. Kick all those catty, gold-diggin’ tramps off the show and share your money and that giant-ass house with your momma, who really does love you, while you still have some dignity left.

Not that I don’t love VH-1. I do. And I heartily congratulate them on becoming better than MTV. We all remember when VH-1 was the old-people station, dealing mainly in Human League videos and Journey specials, and MTV was the hip, “now” station. But much like the Democrats and Republicans, at one point in time, they completely changed places. There is nothing even worth watching on MTV anymore; I don’t even know what channel MTV is nowadays. Do they even have a channel, or do they just exist on an ethereal plane, sponsoring things like the MTV Music Awards, which then airs on FOX? I don’t know. I don’t care. All the videos and specials that are worth watching are now on your channel and your channel only. So well done, there, VH-1; you deserve all the mad props that you award yourselves daily in your commercials.

And let me also say the I Love the 80s? Very funny. Excellent concept. But you already know all that, because it has also been very profitable. Congratulations on your show. Comedians commenting on one of the most ridiculous decades that has even been is very entertaining. Although, a bit of a friendly warning: it can be overdone. We had the first series, and moved on to the other decades (which did not prove as funny, as the commentators on the 70s were six when the events took place, and the 90s in-jokes are lost on those who still think the 90s were pretty cool. It’s too new. Give it four years, huh?), but ultimately we returned to the hilarious eighties. We sat through ILt80s 3D, because Hal Sparks is still funny. Now you have given us ILt80’s Strikes Back. Hmm. As with the 3D version, it is basically the same show—with a few added ‘bonus’ clips. The show itself is, yes, still funny. The concept is getting tired. Stop now, before you need to apologize. Before we’re watching I Love the Millennium, which is nothing but ILt80s shows in various incarnations, with a ‘What-Were-We-Thinking?’ segment on Justin Timberlake and Italian heels thrown in. Thank You.

This is about all the crap I can give about the lives of the stars. Pick up a People magazine if you need further gossip / stalker input. Remember: if you weren’t willing to pay money to know Jessica Simpson’s shoe size, the media wouldn’t be printing it.

*I know there’s a better porn title lurking out there, but I’m not a Tolkeinite, and therefore it’s the best I can do. Also, Hi Mom.

**And, I don't care whatyour name is, you would too. Even without all the free stuff.

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