December 05, 2005

Pain is Funny

Nnngh. Bad Headache today. A big one. I am reluctant to take Excedrin, although it is the best stuff in the universe for cranial pain, but I took it yesterday for another horrible headache, and I don’t care to take medicine two days in a row. I really having to take pills, actually; the drugs are not my thing. On the other hand, neither is pain. We’ll see how it goes. So, in light of the relentless behind-the-eye death stabbers, I will keep this post to an amusing anecdote, and make up for the shortness of length tomorrow.

I never have “funny” Starbucks stories; they’re usually “you would not believe the stupidity of the human race” stories. But this one I would consider funny, just because of the customer participation. I was not feeling well after lunch, and had made two emergency trips to the restroom immediately prior to the situation here. I went back to the register to ring, and suddenly felt a violent sting in my side. I though maybe my spleen had ruptured, but looking over at Kate, who was laughing hysterically, and then at the floor, I realized she had just pelted me with a snowball. And… action!

ME: Ow! What is your problem?

KATE: (laughing intermittently) I had to! Sorry! God, that was hilarious!

ME: Yeah, it’s real funny when you rupture someone’s kidney. Ow. Damn, I’m gonna have a bruise.

KATE: You whiner.

ME: I’m serious! And I do not bruise easily!

KATE: Waah, wah.

ME: What if I need a kidney, Kate? Huh? Will you be sorry then? Are you going to give me a new kidney?

KATE: Jeez, you’re not going to need a kidney.

ME: You don’t know! What’s your blood type?

KATE: (laughs) What?!

ME: WHAT IS YOUR BLOOD TYPE, KATE?

KATE: (hysterical again) A positive.

ME: HA! I’m a universal receiver. You’d better give me that kidney when I need it.

KATE: You wanna call some drinks or something?

ME: (hand on swollen, possibly-bruised rib cage) Can I help you?

VERY KIND CUSTOMER: What is your blood type?

ME: AB positive.

VKC: Hey—me too!

(customer and Beedoo do an enthusiastic high-five, despite the latter’s probable septicemia)

ME: HA! Never mind, Kate—I got people lining up to give me kidneys.

VKC: Oh, yeah, I’ll totally give you a kidney if you need one.

ME: See? And then we’ll go on to make millions with our touching story when we sell it to Lifetime.

KATE: (sad that she lost out on the movie deal) Whatever.

I then offered free coffee samples to the lovely customer, figuring it’s the least I can do, since she would have given me her superfluous organs. I say organs, because I know she’d give me anything else she had floating around in there if I asked her. We bonded, man. Kate tried to give me some cock-and-bullery about only having one kidney, but I’m not buying it. Maybe it was because she cited M*A*S*H* as her reference, but I think people would have found out in their mid-twenties how many kidneys they have—generally an x-ray can clear that right up. When I mentioned this, my lovely customer laughed. I think we’ll have a June wedding.

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