December 14, 2005

Love, Beedoo

I bought my friends these engraveable postcards, right? And I’m getting them engraved tomorrow, with a view to having them in the mail by Friday. Now I need to sit down and figure out what I want to put on them; it’s hard because it’s not like a Christmas card, which are transient and allow for the mention of boyfriends and pets and current jobs. It’s going to be engraved, and hang on their tree year after year—it has to be timeless. Nothing’s worse than pulling out an ornament that asks how school is going, and when are you and [your ex-boyfriend] getting married? I want to avoid the awkward. I also want to be personal. All of this on a 2” x 3” engraving space. I think I will have to split my sentiments in two: what I really want to say, and what I have the space to say.

What I would like to say to Janelle:

Hey Janelle!

I am so happy that guy’s car caught on fire in the middle of the night at Mary Chapman Court, otherwise I would never have met you. Thank you for inviting me to London even though I was wearing my slippers and kimono and was covered in Persa-Gel. I miss shopping at Tesco’s, eating at the Good Food Indian Take-Away, and having you tell me all about uncircumcised British men. I love you and Jensy, and I hope we all will stay in touch. Keep up the good work on your weight loss—you’re an inspiration!

What will be engraved:

Janelle,

I am so happy that I got out of bed in the middle of the night at Mary Chapman Court, otherwise I would never have met you. It’s hard not being able to stick my head out the window and yell up to you that it’s time for coffee! I love you and Jensy, and I hope we all will stay in touch.

What I would like to say to Jensy:

Hey Baby,

Every time someone with dark hair and a puffy white coat goes by, I always want to yell your name so you’ll wait up—then I remember you’re in Jersey somewhere, and I get all sad and crap. I’ll never forget the look on your face when I translated your order in Paris, your mom’s Flaming Death Vindaloo, and your juicy-juicy mangoes at Pu Na Na’s. And yes, you’ll shed that tiresome virginity soon, I have faith. Let me know how school is going!

What will be engraved:

Jensy,

Every time someone with dark hair and a puffy white coat goes by, I always want to yell your name so you’ll wait up. I’ll never forget your mad French language skillz, your cute poochy cheeks, or your mom’s “not hot” curry. Keep up with the emails!

What I would like to say to Joy:

Heya.

You’re the only person I know who can quote Anne of Green Gables and loves Ciaran Hinds like I do, and for that, I love you. Thanks for having my back at the bar when the girls thought masturbation was weird. How can you play ‘Never Have I Ever’ with three virgins? Anyway, I hope life is treating you well. Keep up the writing—even when you think it sucks. That’s what blogging is all about, man.

What will be engraved:

Joy,

You’re the other only person I know who has seen the A to Z of PBS… we rule. Are you still wowed by the snow? There’s plenty here if you get tired of the Texas heat. Keep writing, and keep emailing me, and if you’re famous before I am, I’ll totally buy your book.

What I would like to say to Norah:

Norah Begora,

Whatever will you do now that you can’t drag me to the Miss Worcester for pancakes at 2 AM? Thank you for picking me up repeatedly from Logan at fucka-late at night and saving me many long, cold walks. I will always remember your energy and strength, and that you didn’t think it was silly to go to Platform 9 ¾ after a few pints. Or maybe it was the pints. If I ever get to go back to London, you’re first on my list of tripmates. Oh, and forget about that stupid potato-headed ex, would you please? He’s never going to be good enough for you.

What will be engraved:

Madame Gazonga,

Superwoman Extraordinaire. I can’t encompass here all the things that you are, but I feel sorry for the schmuck who tries to slow you down. Keep kicking ass at all that you do, and don’t forget to drop me a line to let me know how it goes.

It’s crying shame not all of that will fit on this tiny little ornament. God, I miss England. It’s like heartbreak. I feel like an uprooted native. I never really felt like I lived in Michigan, you know? I really could live anywhere. Hell, I have lived anywhere. Maybe it’s time to move again. Yeah, now that I have a good job and a steady income, now’s the time for a life change. What am I, a teenager? No, but neither am I middle-aged. I should be going places, and I don’t mean the bar or the mall. I should be taking classes. They should have taken me into grad school. I have no path until that happens. I am directionless. I will get a path. After Chrismas. Not now. Ugh.

Stupid Christmas gifts making me question my life’s goals and self-worth. That’ll teach me to get sentimental.

No comments: