December 13, 2005

I'm a Little Test(y)

I know I haven’t posted in a while—I needed a break. I was so wiped out from Christmas shopping and working out and making stupid gifts that the mere thought of thinking wore me out. I knew I’d never be able to think and type at the same time. Is that hard to follow? Imagine how I feel.

What I would like to write about is the insane trouble I have had buying Christmas presents, but the best story—the one that literally made me feel like I had an aneurysm—will have to wait until after Christmas, because it gives way too much of the present away, and I’m afraid the recipient will (somehow; it totally happens) find out. But just let me say: This has been the worst year for my buying Christmas presents ever. Not one gift went off without a hitch. Either I had a money problem, a credit problem, a problem finding or acquiring exactly what I wanted, or sustained a personal injury (not kidding) in the process. Am I cursed? I took the Friday before Christmas off from work just so I could have one last freak-out shopping day before Christmas Eve, because on the 24th I fully intend to sit on my couch, drink spiked eggnog and watch Christmas shows with my dog. It’s the big fat finish line of my December, and it looks really sweet from all the way back here. Presents are all bought, though, except for my Starbucks secret Santa gift (not boxers), and my dog’s present (also not boxers, but not because it wouldn’t be funny), and still my stress level has only twitched downward, like, a micron. I need a nap.

I just said ‘micron’. How geeky do you think I am? No, really—I feel that those reading this who do not actually know me are getting the wrong impression of me. I talk a lot about the dorky things I do, but I would hate to think that you picture me as a short girl with long hair and bad skin and glasses who stays in nights sewing or doing puzzles while shouting out the answers to Jeopardy!. I’ve moved on a bit from that place. Well, I still do the Jeopardy! thing, but everybody does that. I am short, though. And wait—I do like doing puzzles. But it’s been a long time since I’ve done one. And sewing is economical.

OK, now I’m just rationalizing being a big dork. Do I do more nerd stuff than normal girl stuff? Let’s find out: I’ll give you a POINT / COUNTERPOINT and we’ll see which runs out first. Maybe this will clarify things for both of us.

Dork: I know how to, and frequently do, sew.
Chic: I know how to, and frequently do, wear makeup.

Dork: I watch Jeopardy!
Chic: I do not keep track of my score.

Dork: I have 90s dance mixes on my MP3 player.
Chic: I listen to then when I go running, which is three times a week.

Dork: I do not like to cook.
Chic: I’m not very big on eating, either.

Dork: I read GAMES magazine.
Chic: I read Martha Stewart’s Living.

Dork: I own three very similar black turtlenecks.
Chic: I own upwards of fifty very dissimilar Victoria’s Secret items.

Dork: I take notes in four-color pen.
Chic: I have made friends out of the people who copied off me.

Dork: I like to do jigsaw puzzles.
Chic: Given the choice, I would rather get laid.

Dork: I like to eat prunes.
Chic: I have never eaten paste.

Dork: I can quote Shakespeare.
Chic: I can accurately quote Shakespeare.

Dork: I don’t drink a lot of alcohol. I get mocked.
Chic: I’ll hold your hair back without mocking you.

Dork: I do Tae-Bo.
Chic: I do yoga.

Dork: I know how to follow a pattern.
Chic: I don’t do it in relationships.

Dork: I love my dog.
Chic: I have many human friends.

Dork: I sleep with a bite guard.
Chic: I’m totally good in the sack.

So, what does that all up to? If I invent a scoring system, will it negate the entire quiz? Well, I think maybe ‘negate’ already did that. Oh, well. You be the judge; I’m nowhere on this.

2 comments:

J-Ro said...

I ran extensive calculations and came up with a result: it adds up to you being awesome.

Sarah Smallwood said...

I think it adds up to MY being awesome. (DORK!)