October 12, 2005

Inequality and Lips

Remember how I said my family was huge? And how many of them are annoying? Let me add to that the fact that they also have no boundaries.

Two of my younger siblings and I had lunch together this afternoon, since my brother’s class got out early and my sister happened to be in town. This is just a random sampling of what happens when you put us in the same room together. Keep in mind the fact that the following conversation takes place in the cafeteria, amongst numerous other people, mainly the very old.

MY BROTHER:
So they picked a new James Bond.

MY SISTER:
No they haven’t.

MY BROTHER:
Yeah, this morning. I think they said he was in Tomb Raider.

MY SISTER:
Ugh, that guy is ugly. Wait—which Tomb Raider?

MY BROTHER:
Um… I don’t know. The second one?

MY SISTER:
I know that guy, then. It’s the one with the big nostrils.

MY BROTHER:
No, it’s not that guy—it was some dude that I’d never heard of.

MY SISTER:
Wait—was it the guy that gets stabbed, or the other one?

MY BROTHER:
From which movie?

MY SISTER:
The first one.

ME:
Could he be in any other movie? I’ve never seen either Tomb Raider.

MY BROTHER:
WHAT? Rimmer is in them!

ME:
Yeah, I know—I saw that part. The rest of the movie was all about Angelina Jolie’s lips. Rimmer had like, two scenes, and even then the Lips were still teetering on the edge of the frame.

MY SISTER:
Yeah, I fast-forwarded most of the lips parts. She bugs me.

MY BROTHER:
She has better things than just her lips.

ME:
Like her obviously fake boobies?

MY SISTER:
Tomb Raider 3: Lara Croft’s Labia.

MY BROTHER:
Hey, it worked for Resident Evil.

ME: (on a diatribe)
Yeah, and speaking of that, how is it now considered OK for women to show their unmentionables on film and we still can’t see a penis? Do they think women are afraid of seeing the penis? Are we gonna swoon?

MY SISTER:
Hey, I’m all for it. That one dude did, though—in 28 Days Later. And Kevin Bacon.

ME:
Yeah—two people. And I was not all that impressed with Kevin’s Bacon.

MY BROTHER:
Well, you only saw it for a second, and there was bad lighting—

ME:
Oh, interesting. You criticize cinematic boobies all the time, but the second it’s about your bits, you’re all “Well, the angle was bad and it was a cold day and it was below sea-level—“

MY BROTHER:
When do I criticize boobs? I like boobs!

ME and MY SISTER (in unison):
Glenn Close.

MY BROTHER:
Well, those were weird.

MY SISTER:
Exactly. Either they need to be pinup perfect so you know they’re fake, or we should just keep them offscreen altogether? No wonder women have body issues.

MY BROTHER:
Which is why it’s a big deal for men to go balls out. We know how brutal we are.

ME:
Plus, if people discover you have a small penis, then they don’t respect you, and women don’t fantasize about you. It hurts your career.

MY BROTHER:
That can’t be true.

ME:
When was the last time you saw a new Kevin Bacon movie?

MY SISTER:
…Wow.

MY BROTHER:
Why doesn’t it work with women and boobs the same way?

ME:
Because we haven’t built up boobs to be the foundation of all femininity. They aren’t the ultimate cradle of our being.

MY SISTER:
Maybe that’s Tomb Raider IV.

Either we should be critics, screenwriters, or keep our voices down in public places. Probably all three. But the theory I didn’t get to fully explore is that female nudity is everywhere, and you have to get the Sundance Channel for even a brief glimpse of the male goody bag. And why? Is it because we have a male-dominated society? Are women just more comfortable showing a bit of boob? Is it ‘unfair’ since we have two areas we need to keep covered on beaches, and men only have one? Would it be different if men had their balls on their chests, or then would we all just be in bikinis? I’m not sure.

But you can bet there still won’t be any penii in Tomb Raider XX: The Cradle of Lara Croft’s Various Lippage.

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