New post on AnnArbor.com, wherein I admit to having a case of The Crazies and hope my friends don't look at me differently (though, if they haven't up to this point, we're probably good).
30 Before 30: Living with an Anxiety Disorder
Comments on the story online give you good karma!
August 31, 2011
April 30, 2011
Notes on the Royal Wedding
The Wedding of Prince William & Catherine Middleton
Harry has become the looker of the family. Who knew the little prince who was born looking like Alfred E Neuman would sprout into Colin Firth? MeeeeOW!
Catherine Middleton is pretty. I don't remember ever seeing her before this day, but she's nice looking. In fact...
There is no need to gild the lily. She is so pretty you don't have to make the obvious dress parallels to Princess Grace, stylists. She's royal: we got it.
I'm not the only one who noticed. Right as she gets to the altar, William smiles and looks proud--but Harry seems to be, I dunno... not leering, exactly, but definitely lingering on the lithe form of soon-to-be-Mrs.-his-brother. Could be the fact that they've dressed Harry in all black with caution-yellow bondage gear, so I could just be painting him with Richard III overtones. Maybe.
Prince William has a lovely voice I never thought he was particularly dreamy, but I had also never heard him speak. His clipped accent is the lovechild of double-cream and a bassoon--a weapon he's never really had to pull out, understandably, because of the whole "you're a princess if you marry me" thing. It's a shame he'll never have to work in this life, because he could make a killing as a voiceover actor.
It's a good thing I wasn't invited. For several reasons, but most notably because I got a serious case of the church giggles 1) at the mention of the Holy Ghost and 2) at the Bishop/Vicar/Officiant's mad-scientist miter-hair. Yes, I'm five, and there's not a frilly Ascot Hat big enough to hide my inappropriate laughter.
The Queen is a lot like my dog. Old, nearly blind, naps when she pleases. This is my new goal in life.
Church is always boring. I really wish all those masses I attended as a kid had YouTube slider bars. Three minutes after loading, I could Amen-it to the pancake brunch.
Cate has a much better poker face than I do. I assume she has people coaching her on all things princessy, because whereas she seems to dislike the tedious church readings as much as I do, I can see her catching herself before rolling her eyes. William must be of the same opinion, as his reaction is to take very long blinks.
... but she can't unpause it. William is nodding off a bit (understandably, since this ceremony is three hours and several months of news coverage too long), but he at least reacts when the Bishop/MiterMan brings it home. Cate... seems to be frozen in Botox propriety mode. I'm willing to give her the benefit of the doubt and call it nervousness / proximity to her new Nan, the Effing Queen.
'Jerusalem' will always make me think of Calendar Girls. Speaking of, why is Helen Mirren not here? Wait, there she--oh, it's Camilla. Oh, well. Nice that she got invited, though.
It was pretty cute. All right, I'm not made of stone. Will & Cate seem to like each other, his smirking his way through the vows was pretty damn endearing.
Harry has become the looker of the family. Who knew the little prince who was born looking like Alfred E Neuman would sprout into Colin Firth? MeeeeOW!
Catherine Middleton is pretty. I don't remember ever seeing her before this day, but she's nice looking. In fact...
There is no need to gild the lily. She is so pretty you don't have to make the obvious dress parallels to Princess Grace, stylists. She's royal: we got it.
I'm not the only one who noticed. Right as she gets to the altar, William smiles and looks proud--but Harry seems to be, I dunno... not leering, exactly, but definitely lingering on the lithe form of soon-to-be-Mrs.-his-brother. Could be the fact that they've dressed Harry in all black with caution-yellow bondage gear, so I could just be painting him with Richard III overtones. Maybe.
Prince William has a lovely voice I never thought he was particularly dreamy, but I had also never heard him speak. His clipped accent is the lovechild of double-cream and a bassoon--a weapon he's never really had to pull out, understandably, because of the whole "you're a princess if you marry me" thing. It's a shame he'll never have to work in this life, because he could make a killing as a voiceover actor.
It's a good thing I wasn't invited. For several reasons, but most notably because I got a serious case of the church giggles 1) at the mention of the Holy Ghost and 2) at the Bishop/Vicar/Officiant's mad-scientist miter-hair. Yes, I'm five, and there's not a frilly Ascot Hat big enough to hide my inappropriate laughter.
The Queen is a lot like my dog. Old, nearly blind, naps when she pleases. This is my new goal in life.
Church is always boring. I really wish all those masses I attended as a kid had YouTube slider bars. Three minutes after loading, I could Amen-it to the pancake brunch.
Cate has a much better poker face than I do. I assume she has people coaching her on all things princessy, because whereas she seems to dislike the tedious church readings as much as I do, I can see her catching herself before rolling her eyes. William must be of the same opinion, as his reaction is to take very long blinks.
... but she can't unpause it. William is nodding off a bit (understandably, since this ceremony is three hours and several months of news coverage too long), but he at least reacts when the Bishop/MiterMan brings it home. Cate... seems to be frozen in Botox propriety mode. I'm willing to give her the benefit of the doubt and call it nervousness / proximity to her new Nan, the Effing Queen.
'Jerusalem' will always make me think of Calendar Girls. Speaking of, why is Helen Mirren not here? Wait, there she--oh, it's Camilla. Oh, well. Nice that she got invited, though.
It was pretty cute. All right, I'm not made of stone. Will & Cate seem to like each other, his smirking his way through the vows was pretty damn endearing.
April 22, 2011
Madagascar: Beware the Vanilla Bearcat
Sarah: What is this about, now?
Bacon: Madagascar broke from India and Africa, so everything there evolved specifically to suit the island. All the wildlife was marooned. There are species there that don't live anywhere else.
Sarah: Like the Kardashians?
Bacon: No, like the giant mongoose.
Sarah: Dude. I've seen a mongoose. It was the size of a ferret. That shit is a bearcat.
Bacon: It's just really big and superadapted.
Sarah: Into a bear-nosed giant sloth.
Bacon: ...-Lion.
Sarah: See? Mongoose my balls.
David Attenborough: "A still greater predator lurks in the marshes."
Sarah: The hippotiger!
Bacon: The crocobat!
Sarah: Eh. It's just a lemur. Doing... Tai Chi.
Bacon: Nothing is normal there. Nothing.
Sarah: Seriously, it's like the wild kingdom version of Lord of the Flies. Two ton ferrets!
Bacon: The fish swim upside down!
Sarah: No they--oh my god, they do. And they're blind.
Bacon: And the lemurs eat plants full of cyanide. And live!
Sarah: I feel like there's a cure for everything on that island. Plus vanilla.
Bacon: Which is a cure for ice cream.
Sarah: And unsweetened catbears.
Bacon: I wonder if the mongooses eat the fish, or just the lemurs.
Sarah: It's part bear, it'll eat anything. It'd eat you.
Bacon: Bacon doesn't go with fish.
Sarah: It goes with scallops, though. And shrimp.
Bacon: Those aren't fish, those are sea insects.
Sarah: Delicious sea insects.
Bacon: Icky sea monsters.
Sarah: Yes, I do believe that old-timey maps had pictures of shrimps in the margins.
Bacon: Yarr, Thar be scallops herrrre!
Sarah: Are you sure you were looking at a map, and not a Long John Silver's menu?
Bacon: Well, there was a pirate on it.
Bacon: Madagascar broke from India and Africa, so everything there evolved specifically to suit the island. All the wildlife was marooned. There are species there that don't live anywhere else.
Sarah: Like the Kardashians?
Bacon: No, like the giant mongoose.
Sarah: Dude. I've seen a mongoose. It was the size of a ferret. That shit is a bearcat.
Bacon: It's just really big and superadapted.
Sarah: Into a bear-nosed giant sloth.
Bacon: ...-Lion.
Sarah: See? Mongoose my balls.
David Attenborough: "A still greater predator lurks in the marshes."
Sarah: The hippotiger!
Bacon: The crocobat!
Sarah: Eh. It's just a lemur. Doing... Tai Chi.
Bacon: Nothing is normal there. Nothing.
Sarah: Seriously, it's like the wild kingdom version of Lord of the Flies. Two ton ferrets!
Bacon: The fish swim upside down!
Sarah: No they--oh my god, they do. And they're blind.
Bacon: And the lemurs eat plants full of cyanide. And live!
Sarah: I feel like there's a cure for everything on that island. Plus vanilla.
Bacon: Which is a cure for ice cream.
Sarah: And unsweetened catbears.
Bacon: I wonder if the mongooses eat the fish, or just the lemurs.
Sarah: It's part bear, it'll eat anything. It'd eat you.
Bacon: Bacon doesn't go with fish.
Sarah: It goes with scallops, though. And shrimp.
Bacon: Those aren't fish, those are sea insects.
Sarah: Delicious sea insects.
Bacon: Icky sea monsters.
Sarah: Yes, I do believe that old-timey maps had pictures of shrimps in the margins.
Bacon: Yarr, Thar be scallops herrrre!
Sarah: Are you sure you were looking at a map, and not a Long John Silver's menu?
Bacon: Well, there was a pirate on it.
March 22, 2011
"Ahhhh, Salmon Skin Roll."
Latest AnnArbor.com column, in which our heroine plumbs the depths of her femininity by punching innocent people and having her toes painted. A typical day in the life, really.
30 Before 30: Fight Face and Fancy Feet
Comments welcome as always!
30 Before 30: Fight Face and Fancy Feet
Comments welcome as always!
January 24, 2011
Michigan - snow = heaven
Throwing these articles out as fast as I can get them written. February's just around the corner!
30 Before 30: Say Yes to Michigan
Comments welcome. And to all my friends: You Rule.
30 Before 30: Say Yes to Michigan
Comments welcome. And to all my friends: You Rule.
January 19, 2011
College! W00t!
Latest installment in the 30 Before 30 series. If I offend anyone, I apologize up front. Not students, though; they know they're that annoying.
30 Before 30: Changes of Place, Part One
Comments encouraged on AnnArbor.com. Next Up: Europe!
30 Before 30: Changes of Place, Part One
Comments encouraged on AnnArbor.com. Next Up: Europe!
January 05, 2011
One of the least sad stories involving death you'll read today
I attend Bacon's grandmother's funeral, and it goes differently than expected.
30 Before 30: Life at a Funeral
Comments welcome at A2.com as always.
30 Before 30: Life at a Funeral
Comments welcome at A2.com as always.
December 16, 2010
In which my boobs make an appearance
New post at AnnArbor.com, in which the chubby girl loses weight and takes her clothes off for the camera. Sadly, she doesn't know she can make money this way, and becomes a barista instead.
Comments welcome on the article page, as always--A2.com might be inspired to pay me if I drive up traffic.
November 23, 2010
For the discerning lady this holiday season
Burt's Bees Soap – I’ve always used a pretty stripped-down bar soap—Dial, Lever, whatever sample came in the mail, etc. In the winter, however, I switch from rougher soaps to body wash to avoid drying out. I was poking around looking for a midwinter replacement when I nonsensically splurged on a $4 of Burt’s Bees honey and jojoba. You guys, I can’t stop showering. It smells so delicious and makes my face so smooth, I feel like the Queen.
Stonyfield Mango Honey Yogurt – I think I hit it right this time: organic, no artificial colors or flavors, tastes like peaches and cream. Let’s hope the “limited time” warning stamped on the front proves untrue. Om nom nom.
Lindt 70% Dark Chocolate – Boo. Boo on you, Lindt, for changing your Intense Dark Chocolate recipe. The needless addition of soy lecithin to emulsify my already perfect chocolate has rendered it creamy and uneatable. If I wanted creamy chocolate, I’d get milk chocolate, as would any right-thinking human. Keep your milk fat out of my cocoa. I have to break up with you now, and test all new varieties of dark to find my perfect Emergency Chocolate. I hope you’re happy.
OPI Only Gold for Me Nail Polish – I ended up with two bottles of this after a kind customer recommended it. It really complements any color—dark burgundy or emerald green, especially—and when applied to the tips of polish toes can make even the sweat-shirted feel fancy.
Picnik – Well, paint me red. A free photo editing service that doesn’t require registration, and the effects are awesome. As a longstanding fan of free crap, I tip my hat. My black-and-white photo wall grown ever more interesting thanks to the tints feature, and I cannot resist tweaking this page as well.
November 17, 2010
Neo-Baconianism
[Last night, watching a documentary on Stonehenge]
Me: Oh, my favorite part: the weird solstice-y people coming in to feel the stones and commune with Xenu.
Bacon: Which is dumb, since it's not all that pagan.
Me: Stones. Solstices. Beards. Pagan.
Bacon: It's a Neo-lithic structure. Built by Neo-lithic peoples.
Me: Po-mo pagan?
Bacon: Waaay before pagan. Pre-po pagan.
Narrator: "There's no telling how the stones actually got to Salisbury Plain..."
Bacon: Psssh. I bet they used kites.
Me: Like, 50,000 kites?
Bacon: One giant hoverkite.
Me: That they borrowed from the aliens in the pyramids:
"TCKCKC?" Can we borrow the hover kite?
"Luuuluuuu" For what?
"KKAAAKKK" A henge.
"Llllloooollua" Sure. It's in the shed.
"TCKTCK" Thanks. See you at the barbecue.
Bacon: There were no aliens in the pyramids. (pause) I bet it was the Atlantians.
Me: And how did they get all the way to England?
Bacon: The hoverkite! Geez, honey, keep up.
Me: Those pyramid aliens sure were nice neighbors. Wonder why archaeologists never unearthed a hoverkite.
Bacon: That's the kind of thing the pre-po pagans want to keep under wraps.
Me: Oh, my favorite part: the weird solstice-y people coming in to feel the stones and commune with Xenu.
Bacon: Which is dumb, since it's not all that pagan.
Me: Stones. Solstices. Beards. Pagan.
Bacon: It's a Neo-lithic structure. Built by Neo-lithic peoples.
Me: Po-mo pagan?
Bacon: Waaay before pagan. Pre-po pagan.
Narrator: "There's no telling how the stones actually got to Salisbury Plain..."
Bacon: Psssh. I bet they used kites.
Me: Like, 50,000 kites?
Bacon: One giant hoverkite.
Me: That they borrowed from the aliens in the pyramids:
"TCKCKC?" Can we borrow the hover kite?
"Luuuluuuu" For what?
"KKAAAKKK" A henge.
"Llllloooollua" Sure. It's in the shed.
"TCKTCK" Thanks. See you at the barbecue.
Bacon: There were no aliens in the pyramids. (pause) I bet it was the Atlantians.
Me: And how did they get all the way to England?
Bacon: The hoverkite! Geez, honey, keep up.
Me: Those pyramid aliens sure were nice neighbors. Wonder why archaeologists never unearthed a hoverkite.
Bacon: That's the kind of thing the pre-po pagans want to keep under wraps.
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